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Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.
Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.
My new jeans are so tight that literally the only comfortable way to stand is by leaning on an '83 Trans Am.
The Obamas are supposed to have anniversary sex after that?
Saw a man inside a McD's actually studying the menu like "Hmm, what have we here? Hamburger sandwiches?"
"Yeah, well right now I'm Pissed Pissedofferson." - Kris Kristofferson, pissed off
Alternate spellings of Chanukah include Hanukah, Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Chakakhan, Hankkingsley, Channingtatum, and Sharkweek.
The Disney Channel should be renamed 'Celebrity Prehab.'
Saw a guy on a date use a tip calculator app and instantly add 15% more of a chance she has to "be up really early tomorrow."
Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let's just say it gave me diaghetti.
I still whisper "We're in" to myself whenever I log onto a wifi network.
Happy 30th birthday to all the children conceived to the thought of Phoebe Cates emerging from a pool.
The lifespan of a dance hit: gay club, straight club, hip restaurant, Top Shop, hotel lobby, Scion commercial, Uncle Joel's iPod.
Relax, the apocalypse already came in the form of pervasive mediocrity.
Jews come back from the dead all the time it's called SHOW BUSINESS.
Let's worry less about who's allowed to get married and worry more about who's allowed to have children.
A good cure for writer's block is to remember that you'll never do worse than "Unobtainium."
"It's time we stop, hey, what is the deal with that sound?" - Buffalo Seinfeld
"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" - Recently ousted members of Kansas gossiping with the band Toto.
Can't look at Yogi Bear without imagining the corpse in the woods missing his hat, collar and tie.