I wish somebody told me about the eclipse. I didn't see the moon, assumed it was the apocalypse & murdered my neighbors for their supplies.

How come nobody is ever thankful for balls? Not that kind, weirdo. I mean testicles.

Just saw a fat guy accidentally drop a slice of pizza on the ground, and scream "NOOOO!" as it fell. It's now my new happiest memory.

Seriously ladies, stop tanning. You look like a baseball glove. It's really creepy.

I've reached the age in life where the hopes of finding love & success are far enough away to start considering a face tattoo.

People of Canada: Why do you leave all of your coins here?

I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

Look, all I'm saying is that if you have a problem with seeing me masturbating, stop looking in the tree outside your window.

The worst part of the "being naked in class" dream is that I'm almost 40 years old ... and not dreaming. The police are here, gotta go.

How are you supposed to jerk off under your snuggie if your arms are in those sleeves?

I did such a good job manscaping that my nuts shall be henceforth known as fantasticles.

If you seriously use the phrase "don't hate the player, hate the game" I hate you. Also, there's no game. You're a tool.

Fucking is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it mixed doubles genital wrestling.

I'm so grateful that I don't have cancer, because my hair looks fantastic today.

My wife is pregnant, so I can only hit her in the face now. :(

Call me crazy, but I really like it when a girl puts my penis in her mouth.

This holiday season, give your friends & family what they really want. Shut the fuck up.

Enough with the MLK quotes. A better way to celebrate him would be to stop holding your purse a little tighter when you see a black guy.

If a girl uses the word "touché" more than three times in one conversation, it makes me want to kick her in the pussé.

I imagine tweet-ups are just a gaggle of socially inept people standing around tweeting from their phones. Mostly because I'm jealous.