I just want the simple things in life. Like a Hyundai Sonata and a license to kill.

: Everybody feels warmer and more fuzzy inside when they know the pairs figure skaters are nailing each other.

Religion is a lot like anal sex. You're either crazy about it, or you feel like there are much better things to do.

: James Cameron's next blockbuster will be set on a stunning, lush, magical world where your balls never stick to the inside of your thigh.

: My sincerest apologies, but your body truly is just too bootylicious for me. #fb

A wedding ring on a pretty woman may as well be a goiter.

: I have been sober for precisely four years today, thus earning me the right to point out that you're kind of an alcoholic, actually.

You're so vein, I bet you think this blood is deoxygenated.

: What if all of Jack Johnson's songs are really secret allegories for human genocide?

Why would I ever pay good money for the news when Twitter gives me dick and fart jokes about the news for free?

It has to be difficult being a woman, knowing that so many guys you never even knew existed have a sock with your name on it.

It's difficult for me to feel sad when "oiled pelican" sounds so damn delectible.

I often bite my lip. The pain reminds me I'm alive. The tissue damage reminds me I don't learn too good.

Working on perfecting an accurate a douche bag test. So far, if you're a guy and have nipple piercings, you're positive.

: My Xanax came in a bottle with a pink cap, so that I'll feel guilted into donating money to fight breast cancer while I'm tripping balls.

Bumping Lady Gaga in your Buick is okay when you've got a gun.

: Apparently my tenant service request with the subject line "Level 3 Squirrel Threat" did not come across as being as urgent as I intended.

:HEY CERN: Your disgusting proton on proton action was not part of God's plan. Read the Bible. He created Adam and Eve, not atoms to cleave.

: Come to think of it, the "Tea Party" doesn't sound American enough. It should be the "Coffee Party." Or the "Truck Testicles Party."

: Apparently, my body is telling me that it didn't want coffee this morning. Unfortunately, I don't give a damn what it thinks. #fb