I'm starting a petition to save Avengers because Joss Whedon made it and I love it so I assume someone wants to take it away from me.

Free Idea: App that tells you whether or not a movie has a scene at the end of the credits.

This Just In: Two hundred fucking thousand Twitter jokes about JJ Abrams directing Star Wars.

Megan Fox is going to be April O'Neil in Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. No jokes here. Just wish the world was different.

I always say "Well THAT escalated quickly!" whenever I ride an escalator because I'm not interested in making any new friends.

I think I'm getting older because now when I watch the Breakfast Club I feel for the principal. He's just doing his job, you fucking kids.

"Robert Downey Jr.'s an okay Sherlock, but I prefer the British guy, Bartletoosh Doodlebright."

Bet the people on the bench were uncomfortable when Forrest Gump told them about the time he saw Jenny naked and prematurely ejaculated.

#SOTU Think You Can Dance.

Here's a new thing I wrote starring @soren_ltd!  http://www.cracked.com/video_18490_a-campaign-ad-most-electable-candidate-ever.html …

To answer the 200 questions, yes, I was featured on @conanobrien tonight, for a bit addressing my sweatiness. @soren_ltd was next to me.

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but "We're all controlled by tiny robots that live in our bones, the sun is a lie."

Hey everyone, @liveprudegirls is back and they brought Matt Damon. Hooray for @iamstevienelson and @mintmilana  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1kmOtdHcZ0&feature=youtu.be …

I'm trying to remove hugging from my life entirely. From here on out, it's hand-shakes or full-on penetration. Nothing in between.

Thinking of starting a fan campaign to save Community by canceling it.

My favorite Kanye Westeros album is Watch the Game of Thrones.

Hey LA, I'll be doing stand up with @blainecapatch @swaim_corp and @adamtodbrown on March 5th. I will do eight jokes.  http://westsidecomedy.com/show.cfm?id=229799&cart …

Hey, if any of your coworkers are comedy nerds, 30 Rock is ending, so be gentle with them tomorrow. This is our JFK assassination.

I hate that Halloween's gotten so commercial that people forget the holiday's roots. Happy Birthday, Frankenstein Jesus.

From now on, I'm adding "If you know what I mean" to the end of all my Google searches.