@pattonoswalt told me to tweet #webbys and #castpattonoswaltasdoctoroctopus in the next Spider-man movie. @cracked

I've been in the desert shooting @cracked sketches for a week straight. Our town shuts down at 9 and everything is scorpions. #DesertWeek

@lianamaeby I want to dislike that tweet. You're not making sense anymore. That's just a series of words. #CryForHelp?

I'd sign up for a dating website if everyone's profile pic had to be their butt. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

At the #YouTubeSpaceLA with @5sf @liveprudegirls @shelbyfero @mrhoratiosanz a slow-motion camera, some seltzer & my whole career is silly.

Thinking of starting a fan campaign to save Community by canceling it.

Does anyone know a place in Los Angeles for a lonely, sad person to make friends? Asking for a- oh God.

I'll be doing stand up on Tuesday with a buncha @cracked folks and @annielederman this Tuesday. Jokes and so on.  http://westsidecomedy.com/show.cfm?id=235135&cart …

To answer the 200 questions, yes, I was featured on @conanobrien tonight, for a bit addressing my sweatiness. @soren_ltd was next to me.

@amandabynes Call your parents.

@neiltyson How is Batman not the brains behind his powers? He's developed just as many neat toys and he's a better detective than anyone.

Sometimes I think about how perfect the jokes and story structure in the Mr. Plow episode of The Simpsons are and I weep.

Okay, but how do I find my NON porn name?

One of those headaches where my brain is trying to punch its way outta my skull and I'm like "Fine just do it already and give me peace."

Anonymous asked: Daniel, did you know that if you search ‘Daniel O’Brien Cracked’ that ‘daniel o’brien...  http://tmblr.co/ZDiy4yjVAz09 

I don't even know the guy. All I'm saying is I have a buddy named Pretty Good Gatsby, and now this new guy shows up. Seems like a dick move.

. @fred_stoller Ditto for when she said "You don't walk no line" and "Wow, I guess hope really DOES float."

Just invented a cajun poutine recipe from scratch and now I want to open up a restaurant that serves only this and only to me.

@swaim_corp and @drmistercody are doing an AMA right now!  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1chpvh/mytemple_the_fitness_training_game_from_michael/ …

Fart like nobody's watching.