Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Stars in twitter are like cigarettes in prison.
"He's a cunt ...and so's he ...she's a massive cunt, oh and that guy over there ...cunt." ~ Me, showing the new guy around the office.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Hi! If you're new to twitter please enjoy wasting countless hours of your life here. And don't worry, that empty feeling is perfectly normal
No no, not living... I said you're my reason for leaving...LEAVING!!
Just made myself a vagina-sandwich. It's like a regular sandwich only I have to be REALLY nice to it for the entire day before I can eat it.
Here we go. Very good. You're doing a great job of reading this. Just passed the middle. Nearly there. Wonderful job. All done. And star it!
Everything in moderation, including reality.
I see your condescending smirk and I raise you a stoney blank indifferent stare.
If life gives you lemons, just imagine how crappy the gift from death's gonna be.
Are you a shallow person who's feeling deep about something dumb? ~ There's a Taylor Swift song for that.
If you're reading this from your bed, don't bother getting up. I did and I really wouldn't recommend it.
"Fuck that." ~ Me, whenever I see people running in a marathon.
using a syringe to Inject oranges full of vodka means I look healthy at the office, whilst achieving my mid-morning glow without suspicion.
My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Cocaine's like Disneyland, only the lines aren't as long.
That annoying asshole on twitter who you can't stand, don't worry, I know a guy who knows a guy. He can make it look like a twittercide.
'IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!'- is what husbands say to their wives when they're caught doing something that is, exactly, what it looks like
Hi! If you're new to twitter please enjoy wasting countless hours of your life here. And don't worry, that empty feeling is perfectly normal.