You can tell exactly how many assholes a carrot has been inside just by counting the number of rings it has when you cut it open.

You are brave...
when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

It's not gay if it's for a Klondike bar.

Flying back home today.

Back to reality? NEVER!

There are only 2 types of people in this world.

Victims and Fighters.

For fuckin fucks sake, pick the right one.

This dude sitting opposite me in the train is wearing a red shirt with a matching red pants.

Anybody has a shotgun that I can borrow?

It's okay. You just joined a cult within a cult, like a Russian nesting cult.

How do you respond when someone tells you to stay blessed? Someone just told me that and I threw my hands in the air.

Don’t be selfish and take your emotional breakdowns to places that aren’t twitter.

Double dippin' doesn't hafta mean cheatin' ya know?

Lord knows, there's at least 2nds and 3rds right the fuck here!

I’m a gentleman. I need a knife and fork to eat vagina.

Laughter is the best medicine. Until you have a headache. Or a stomach upset. Or you have any type of ailment. Then you’re screwed.

I really like the way your mom tucks her penis back.

Making old stuff into new stuff is like getting free beer.

You.... But in me.

My mother didn’t sit through 9 hours of labour for me to wake up to banal tweets like “have a nice week, people”.

I would tell you to go fuck yourself but even you don’t deserve that amount of punishment.

I think the Instagram bots are angry at me reporting them, I’ve reported about 100 in three days and more follow me every hour.

Whenever I'm being arrested I just quickly grow a moustache so the cops are like wait who's this guy & set me free

BF has the smoothest manicured fingernails I've ever seen on a man.

Always gets me droolin' all over 'em.

Feel good in my mouth, too.