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Who ever coined the phrase "kill them with kindness" definitely never killed anyone.
Napoleon Vaginamite #ReplaceMovieTitleWithVagina (I used to play this game all the time.)
15 year old with terminal cancer wants to trend. #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList
Will Forte kissed my head.
Can you beer me now?
What happens when we run out of places for lightening to strike?
Took my shoes off last night and a french fry fell out of one of them. This is not a joke.
I’m going to be super positive today, god dammit.
Going camping then blacking out and waking up naked and not bring able to find your clothes is as close as it gets to being a werewolf.
"I really hate boobs" - Nobody. Ever.
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield, most of the time you're an asshole who uses stupid metaphors.
Note to Sears photographer: saying "Come on your tummy" is not an acceptable way to say "lay on your stomach" to immature adults.
In and out of the DMV in 19 minutes. Thanks a lot OBAMA
Humans are the worst
Somebody owes me a fucking hour
Post Production Supervisor for Ridiculousness. I can't find my keys.