Who ever coined the phrase "kill them with kindness" definitely never killed anyone.

Napoleon Vaginamite #ReplaceMovieTitleWithVagina (I used to play this game all the time.)

If you have a PSN account you need to read this. Your account info has been compromised http://bit.ly/gIr9a8

15 year old with terminal cancer wants to trend. #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList #AliceBucketList

Will Forte kissed my head.

Can you beer me now?

What happens when we run out of places for lightening to strike?

Took my shoes off last night and a french fry fell out of one of them. This is not a joke.

I’m going to be super positive today, god dammit.

Shot glass size solo cups. #miniflipcup  http://instagr.am/p/UaQYcMhV0l/ 

Going camping then blacking out and waking up naked and not bring able to find your clothes is as close as it gets to being a werewolf.

My condolences, @dadboner. This 'Num's for Peanut. May he rest in peace. http://t.co/Rl4NTZA6

"I really hate boobs" - Nobody. Ever.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield, most of the time you're an asshole who uses stupid metaphors.

RT @teamdcfantasy Follow & Help #TeamFantasyFactory Trend #FantasyFactory For Tonight's Season Premier w/ @justinbieber!

Note to Sears photographer: saying "Come on your tummy" is not an acceptable way to say "lay on your stomach" to immature adults.

In and out of the DMV in 19 minutes. Thanks a lot OBAMA

Humans are the worst

@priflemucha @paulytwee woh

Somebody owes me a fucking hour