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Marriage: Because who wants to be wrong only some of the time?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If I was a proctologist, I would ask every patient on the way out, "Was I wearing a watch when you came in?"
Don't be fooled, Twitter makes everyone 20 pounds funnier.
My wife told me she was pregnant. I said, "that's impossible, you never have sex, ....I mean WE never have sex". Nice save... wait...
The 80's will forever remembered as the decade that guitar solos needed to be played with your mouth open.
"OMG, Facebook is down!" - nobody on Twitter
I am fantastic at multi tasking, as long as most of the tasks involve not doing what I'm supposed to.
Dear Cancer, We get it. Now stop messing with our friends & family. Signed Everyone.
David & Victoria Beckham have named their child Harper Seven. Somewhere in the world George Costanza is in a blind rage.......
When you think about it, a BBQ in the park is a strange idea. It says, "Let's celebrate nature by cooking dead animals."
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm calling bullshit on the entire human race today.
I was going to be on that show "Embarrassing Bodies" but then I found out it was a medical show.
My wife & kids want a dog but I don't. They said I was unfair, but to be honest, I've wanted a mistress way longer than they wanted a dog.
I'm thinking of subcontracting my job to a monkey. Where the plan falls down is that I'm yet to see an unemployed monkey.
Tweets combining punctuation & menstruation are always hilarious. Period.
I'd like to be a personal trainer. Pay aside, making fat people exercise would be its own reward.
The most difficult thing about job interviews is knowing whether dropping your trousers is going to be a help or hinderance.
There's a new guy on the floor who seems to do nothing except trawl the internet all day. I'm worried their grooming him to replace me.
Wikipedia is currently providing answers to rhetorical questions only.