Autocorrect is female. I type something, it suggests something else completely unrelated, I was right the first time, it changes it anyway.

You love me, and I love you.

Give me your pussy, and I'll buy you shoes.

The better the sexy, witty banter with a woman is in the beginning, know that the arguments you have later will be catastrophically painful.

Not being with you scars more deeply than having never known you.

Know that I will always refill the washer fluid in your car. It's not the most romantic thing, but I'll do it.

I didn't want to be happy again, but somehow, you being only yourself, was all I needed.

Every mistake I have ever made in my life has also led me to you. I would make them all over again because of that.

I never care about the unexpected people that come into my life.

It's the unexpectedly special ones for whom I stop being an asshole.

So, how many times can I watch the same episode of Real Time in one night?

Your move, HBO.

I love wanting to fucking you in the clubs while people watch and wish they could taste you.

Why is the mascot at the Dolphins draft party a giant sperm with a helmet?

I will take you to a baseball game. I will make you drink beer and gorge on hot dogs with me for the first 4 innings. Just go with it.

If you weren't a bitch, I wouldn't love you. I'd just use you.

Just because I'm sleeping, I never said you couldn't wake me up by sitting on my face. I take, you take.

If you can choke a bunny without using your hands, I'll marry you.

Oh my god, these pancakes are delicious.

If I get a headache just after sex, you either did something really right or really wrong.

You'll know if I'm still there in the morning.

If you keep complaining, I'm just going to fuck you in your blowhole.

I'm not joking.

You may be sleeping, and you may be hurting, but I never stopped thinking about you.

Oh, and I am outside your window.