Me: yes I will take 2 lbs of BBQ wings?
Waiter: but it's 9:43 in the morning
Me: ... With a coffee please

Always put perfume in your cleavage. You never know who's face will come for a visit

Oh soy milk, I would love you more if you didn't taste like hot garbage juice

On tonight's agenda:

Snuggling, spooning, snack, groping, pass out.

It's going to be a challenge to do this solo, but I'm just that good.

I can't be sexy on here even if I try... "I have boobs that I hold up with a bra..." anything? Nothing? Damn

Can I join your band?

I play a mean rape whistle

I just sneezed about 7 times in a row. I think I just saw Jesus. He winked at me

Him: But i love you
Her: No you don't, you love the idea of me
Him: Umm, actually I love the idea of getting laid...
Her: I'm ok with that

Don't eat a banana in front of a male coworker...

They like it for some reason

Wait, so coffee gives you bad breath? Ohhhh that explains nothing

Why are you guys calling me "dude" and "man"? Last time I checked, I have a vagina.

And it's not 1987

We have this hate and less hate relationship

Yes that's duct tape under my pillow. Is that a problem?

BF: want to take a ride on my skateboard?
Me: fuck ya!
Me: oh I thought that was a metaphor... No thanks Tony Hawk

*pulls up pants*

Fine, I'll do it.

Can you dip it in chocolate first before I put that in my mouth?

Can we be best friends? I make a mean friendship bracelet

Twitter is great for a big ego stroke.


I'm ok with that.

Can I pee in your change jar?

Drunk DMs remind me why I love twitter

My twitter crush keeps throwing away the mixed tapes I made him...

*continues to sift through trash*