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Me: yes I will take 2 lbs of BBQ wings?
Waiter: but it's 9:43 in the morning
Me: ... With a coffee please
Always put perfume in your cleavage. You never know who's face will come for a visit
Oh soy milk, I would love you more if you didn't taste like hot garbage juice
On tonight's agenda:
Snuggling, spooning, snack, groping, pass out.
It's going to be a challenge to do this solo, but I'm just that good.
I can't be sexy on here even if I try... "I have boobs that I hold up with a bra..." anything? Nothing? Damn
Can I join your band?
I play a mean rape whistle
I just sneezed about 7 times in a row. I think I just saw Jesus. He winked at me
Him: But i love you
Her: No you don't, you love the idea of me
Him: Umm, actually I love the idea of getting laid...
Her: I'm ok with that
Don't eat a banana in front of a male coworker...
They like it for some reason
Wait, so coffee gives you bad breath? Ohhhh that explains nothing
Why are you guys calling me "dude" and "man"? Last time I checked, I have a vagina.
And it's not 1987
We have this hate and less hate relationship
Yes that's duct tape under my pillow. Is that a problem?
BF: want to take a ride on my skateboard?
Me: fuck ya!
Me: oh I thought that was a metaphor... No thanks Tony Hawk
*pulls up pants*
Fine, I'll do it.
Can you dip it in chocolate first before I put that in my mouth?
Can we be best friends? I make a mean friendship bracelet
Twitter is great for a big ego stroke.
I'm ok with that.
Can I pee in your change jar?
Drunk DMs remind me why I love twitter
My twitter crush keeps throwing away the mixed tapes I made him...
*continues to sift through trash*