Had a student ask me if the singer of Nickleback was Kurt Cobain. I failed the entire class and set them on fire.

If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

LIFE CYCLE OF A CHILD:
0-3: Covered in Shit
4-13: Cheats at Games
14-25: Hates You
26+: Kinda Cool, But You’ll Be Dying Soon.

If you read Animal Farm backwards, it's about animals shutting up and doing their fucking job.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren't toilets called 'sitty shittys'? Refrigerator 'foody cooly'?

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

RESTAURANT IDEA: ‘Pizza Sometime’. Order a pizza & sometime that week a pizza will be delivered & it will be the highlight of your week.

We're going to need a smaller shark.

As the first editor of Buzzfeed, Martin Luther wrote the now famous list "95 'Meh' Things About the Catholic Church".

What came first: the sadness or the sweatpants?

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Please, stay gold. -King Midas, forever silencing his dark secret: his bastard son, the Centaur.

A man approaches in a suit made entirely of living cats. “Oh this?” he says, “this is my Purrsuit. My Purrsuit of happiness.”

I think Bukowski is when, like, twenty guys get together and read the ramblings of an alcoholic to one unenthusiastic woman.

It doesn't matter how many followers you have, if you have like 3 people who continually support your shit, you're gold.

When a tear cried over a lost stuffed animal hits soil, a Zooey Deschanel sprouts up and sings you a Smiths song on a ukelele.

I just hired fifteen day laborers from Home Depot to do a table read of Glengarry Glen Ross.

It is not going well.

My wife is dressing as Tired Mom With Wine In An Avengers Cup.

The best way to describe my physique: hairy mashed potatoes.

The four year old just asked “Is this real life?”. Of course, I said “Yes”. Then she asked “Why?” and I had no idea what to tell her.

As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".