Is it my shoes that make my feet smell terrible? Or my feet that make my shoes smell terrible? The world may never know.

There's nothing jauntier than an embarrassed white man

Dudes aren't buying my theories on bear ghosts, bear law, the fact that a bear's nvr been found dead of natural causes, or the Bearlluminati

the next time i have sex i'm gonna be thinking "this is gonna burn @mattytalks so hard"

Hittin the beach with my top 3 Yankee Candles

Parkour!! *goes to work for 30 years and raises a family*

Feel like I have a lot in common with the lead singer of Fucked Up

i texted a photo of my ass to my softball rival to curse him now he's wiffing on everything. buddy im getting a cold from that breeze lol

Fellow members of my Tears For Fears cover band: @elibraden @dadbeard @afbradstone @gloriafallon123 @marcusthetoken #FF

Leave the rude tude at the food. court

I just pissed so hard that I'm no longer circumcised

"Only in New York!" I exclaimed, watching the twin towers collapse

Dr did an EKG/put stickers all over my chest that had to be ripped off. Insurance doesn't cover body waxing, but yrs truly fooled em bigtime

When I get out of work early I get my eyebrows done and get drunk

fact: there are at least five or six people online at any given time.

Normally I'm pretty ok with finding gray hairs but this one's in my sandwich.

hey guess what if your first instinct when somebody posts a funny thing is to tell them why it isn’t funny, you’re a jerk

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

.@breteastonellis Was this decision based on professional jealousy of D.F. Wallace's chicken-cooking abilities

girl are u a lars von trier movie because sex also charlotte gainesbourg