Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

Daughter snuck into our bed & executed 3 kicks to my neck. Then she calmly stated, “Eggs.”

So I complied cuz don’t question ninja toddlers.

"Non-drowsy" children's allergy medication.





Who the hell would use that?

Don’t know much about women, but think I know this:

The higher the heel, the higher the maintenance.

My toddler is a genius.

Then she gets her head stuck between couch cushions.

And that college fund starts looking like a new fishing boat.

Crap, I think my Check Liver Light just came on.

"Passed 400 followers last night!

That's like 100 in a week!

I'm on lists & stuff.

With people."

- Me, to wife's blank stare

5 mile run, 100 push-ups, laundry, read news, fruit smoothie.

- Things thought about while drinking coffee & reading Twitter this morning

Just watched the toddler tuck her doll in & say, "Love you, beautiful."

They don't always listen but at least they hear what's important.

Yes, I did just go down the Slip ‘N Slide.

Why?

It’s my yard.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Always get a little nervous when the toddler finds the pole on the backyard playset & lingers too long.

Move away, sweetie. Move. Away.

Stub my toe on her toy & scold toddler. She walks over, gently kisses my "boo-boo" & now I'm apologizing.

Ladies, y'all just born this way?

Raising my girls to be smart, strong & beautiful.

Smart so they know their world.

Strong so they control it.

Smart + strong = beautiful.

“I do not follow back eggs and spam. I do not like them Sam-I-Am.”

- If Dr. Seuss were on Twitter, probably.

I just walked into someone who was also looking at their phone. No words spoken. We both knew.

So we exchanged a Twitter nod & moved on.

"Those are not wrinkles, sweetheart, those are lines in the storybook romance of our lives together."

Yes, I just delivered that. Hi-fives?

Cut my finger this morning & had to decide between a Disney Princess Band-Aid & an open wound.

So that's how my life has turned out.

My child, my little artist.

That is a beautiful ... whatever that is.

But the world is your canvas. Not the wall.

Put down the crayons.

We’re all on Twitter for our own reasons.

So whether you have 10,000,100 or 1 follower, don’t tell anybody else how to tweet.

Just don’t.

Drinking coffee.

Pushing a double stroller through the Farmer's Market.

Like a MF gangsta or something.