If u only have two bullets and u facing off a lion, a tiger and a lawyer,... shoot the lawyer twice to make sure his dead....

Give someone a fish, and you feed him for a day.......but teach him to fish, you got his girl while he's away..! :)

living my next life in reverse Wake up old, get reckless as I grow younger, suck someone's breast for two years and end up as an orgasm

I learned to cook at a very early age....so I never have to wash dishes or clean the kitchen... and I get laid :)

Why do health freaks always look so unhealthy?

Twitter is probably the most powerful virus ever created...

Oh shit.......this year is running out of days!! .....

I LOVE blonds... my one blond friend said when asked, that she wears her wedding ring on the wrong finger cause she married the wrong guy !

With just 140 characters at their disposal I don't know how women can do Twitter at all.. :)

#TopLiesPeopleTell. your bum doesn't look fat in that....

Cops everywhere this time of the year..left my car at the pub last night and took a bus home..so proud of myself...never driven a bus before

How do screaming babies sneak on to airplanes?

If you lead a horse to water, and you cant make him drink, maybe he's just not fucking thirsty............right?

Twitter is just escapism for the super intelligent .... #keeptellingmyself

The more Vodka I drink the more I tweet.... Must reverse this trend..so the more I tweet the more Vodka I drink... Shit this isn't workng.

Running with the bulls must be the most brainless thing on the planet...

How can they be called Buffalo wings......wtf...?

Saw an Irish Terrier and a Staffy take down a Smart Car...great team work....*respect* ..

Judge didn't like me tweeting during this arbitration hearing....told him I was only checking his virdict with my learnered followers...

My 10 most favorite things on the planet are either illegal, out of bounds, unhealthy or other peoples!! Wtf.....