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I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.
My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
I never brag about owning a home or a car because they're basically just expensive boxes I bought to fart in.
I drive a Smart Car to compensate for a really huge clit.
Accidentally stuck two fingers in a Jello cup and now I need to be a lesbian.
Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don't ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
Ok, I get it. Suppository isn't short for "surprising, positive story" and I'm sorry for telling your church group I was full of them.
Pee comes out of your peehole but butts don't come out of your butthole. We're living in crazy times, kids.
My current seven dwarves: Crampy, Weepy, Screamy, Stabby, Bitchy, Groggy, and Fat
I didn't get pregnant in high school because I was one of the smart girls who always made the teacher wear a condom.
I need to know my old password in order to change it, but I need to change it because I can't remember it. This is how murder sprees start.
Not even sorry for how I pronounce your name, girls named Gina.
Just found out a crematorium isn't an ice cream emporium and I really don't want to finish this sundae.
I believe in God for however long it takes to pass a semi on a rainy two-lane highway.
I'd rather be fooled by small boobs in a push up bra than a cake that isn't as moist as it looks.
Sometimes you have to let people make mistakes, no matter how much you know they'll hurt. Looking at you, lady ordering tuna at Subway.
My couch has the other half of the heart-shaped Best Friends necklace I'm wearing.
You scratch my back, I'll lie here and give you vague directions that frustrate us both.
A grown woman asked me to tell her everything will be OK, and it's like, I pray for death daily, lady. You do not want me in your corner.
Yeah, I'll wear a traffic cone like a witch's hat. I don't give a fuck.
@Mr__Grape's twinkie. I'm more interesting than you think I am.