This peanut butter and jelly sandwich is just like my childhood!

My mom screwed it up.

Yes, that is semen in my hair. How else do you celebrate Goo'd Friday?

Don't even talk to me if you're not Cheetos.

I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.

I thought guys were supposed to give you beads if you flash your boobs, but my professor just gave me an A for the semester.

Yeah, it's inappropriate for our staff meeting, but you know that's the best dick that's ever been drawn on this whiteboard.

These pantyhose must've liked my waist because they put a ring on it.

Quick tip - do NOT slingshot your period panties onto the slow brunch waiter's head. You will get kicked out AND still have to pay the bill!

You scratch my back, I'll lie here and give you vague directions that frustrate us both.

Pee comes out of your peehole but butts don't come out of your butthole. We're living in crazy times, kids.

I nicknamed my ex "War," because what is he good for? Absolutely nothing.

Waiting for a gyro in a gas station cafe while Beck plays on the radio. Can't tell if this is my best or worst moment of 2012.

Apparently "fuck you, hire me" isn't appropriate for a resume, like I wanted to work at that pussy ass daycare anyway.

I never brag about owning a home or a car because they're basically just expensive boxes I bought to fart in.

I didn't get pregnant in high school because I was one of the smart girls who always made the teacher wear a condom.

Who's going to do voice overs when Morgan Freeman dies?! This is important stuff we have to prepare for, people!

I drive a Smart Car to compensate for a really huge clit.

Thanks to playing "Operation" as a kid, I now have steady hands when using tweezers to pick the pubes out of my computer keyboard.

Anything to declare? Only that I'm awesome! Haha, customs officials never get tired of that one! ...Where are they taking me?

College is bullshit. My advisor says that no matter how much I study, I can't major OR minor in staring at big booty hoes.