Trying to kill a bottle of wine and make figure out what to make for dinner. That wasn't funny, but I do hope I get drunk tonight.

Just traded in my VCR for a DVD player! Holy shit! Have you guys seen the quality on these things?!

I used to be fat, now thanks to the Wii Fit I know I'm actually morbidly obese.

Today I left the bathroom with TP sticking out of my pants. Not as bad as the time I got on the plane with the ass gasket hanging out.

I wanna get a tattoo of a Slave Leia next to my penis so she makes it look like Jabba the Hut. #StarWars

They always talk about boobie traps like they're a bad thing...

They have sports bars, but do they have cartoon bars?

If I ever get the white people disease I think I'll change my name to Mike.

I've been watching my "colorful language" at work the last 2 weeks. Damn near churchy. Feels weird saying darn instead of FUCK!

I like my women like I like my blow jobs, often, messy and with just enough teeth.

I love you all! Each of you is at least as off as I am but WAY funnier. Thanks guys!

I can't wait till someone calls me Dameon so I can say, "No, I'm Mr. Blaze, Dameon is my son".

If Steven Speilberg performs your bris, is it considered a directors cut?

If I'm not on tomorrow my wife commited murder/suicide by feeding me cauliflower.

Ok, new super power I'll take instead of teleportation: the ability to make women's boobs pop out of their shirt & bra.

I really wanna watch Red Shoe Diary's episodes on my computer, but there's too many people around.

I guess I could say I'm above you all.

You know something might be wrong with you if you can wipe blood, pee, poop or puke without flinching (off an adult).

I'm so used to tweeting on the can, I think I just shat myself reading my TL elsewhere.

Witches burn because they're made of wood.