I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.

I bet the hardest thing about being a gangsta rapper is never being able to really enjoy a scone in public.

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

C'mon, guys. Let's give Chris Brown credit. At least he's starting to fight men.

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

One day Ke$ha will run out of words that rhyme with beer and it'll be all over.

Sorry, but there's no such thing as love at first sight. You just got really horny.

I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.

Making your Instagram private is like putting a Master Lock on a dumpster.

"Hitler's promising art career tragically cut short." - CNN in 1945

I'm no genius but maybe start by questioning the people who gave a "Thumbs Down" on YouTube to the FBI surveillance video.

"Let's hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina." - Friendship

When a band has Z's where S's should be in their name, I'm like, "Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren't playing by society's rules."

Obama's teleprompter just says, "You're the man. Wing it."

"OMG!!! HeRE LiEs BRiaNnA RiP! :*(" - Tombstones in 2060

The Masters, Coachella, Game of Thrones and Mad Men all happening on the same weekend is why we don't need a White History Month.

If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Abraham Lincoln: THE GUY WHO ENDED SLAVERY!!! IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE?!?