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It's fun to knock TV for being a silly medium, but you should also support it when it shoots for the stars. Watch COSMOS on FOX tonight.
You know how sometimes you sneak a phone pic of some stranger being a douche bag? Make sure the flash is off.
"GOD DAMN IT KYLE, BE A BETTER VESSEL ONTO WHICH I CAN PROJECT MY OWN INSECURITIES AND FAILURES" -honest dad at a high school sporting event
What's a good thing to yell so that everyone looks away and then when they look back my shirt's off and I'm already in the pool?
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to "How do you know if something is art?" "People tell you."
Do you think people who own Harley Davidsons want us to know they own Harley Davidsons? I can't tell.
Someone is giving away money on Twitter? BIG DEAL. I'VE BEEN GIVING YOU PEOPLE GOLD FOR THREE YEARS!
Aww. Was your plane delayed while you were flying to perform comedy and fulfill your dreams? I have a lot of sorry to feel for you.
If you're standing in Brooklyn and you google "places to drink coffee in a stupid hat," your phone explodes.
Writer for Family Guy on FOX and the most important man in show business.