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In case you're thinking about having kids, here's how I woke up today: My daughter whispering, "Dad, you are going to die in one minute."
Indiana, you don't even have a Prada. Instead of worrying about who's shopping worry about getting better stores.
One of the hardest things in the world is pretending to be surprised that a friend is getting divorced.
New BOOKCLUB episode! W@JohnPForest and @nelsonfranklin
We talk @henryholt's THE WHITES pic.twitter.com/CRbvAcpRXs
The cheapest high is a borderline emergency piss.
Uber should change its name to Surge.
I wanna be the guy who records the ambient sounds for NPR stories. I already have cash register, bustling marketplace & hammering recorded.
I'm such a nerd. My idea of a fun Friday night is reading a good book and getting my asshole eaten out while watching Dr. Who.
I think it's smart for Zayn to get out of One Direction now before they continue to be the biggest group in the world for many years.
"Are we still on for dinner tonight?" Do you mind if instead we cancel and re-schedule several times until we lose touch completely?
Somebody just coughed and I said "bless you" like a fucking idiot.
Writer for Family Guy
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