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FYI: Your under 5 years of age child has no idea they are at a pumpkin patch and they are bored and cold.
No one's got more opinions than a guy with a ponytail.
Oh, you thought I forgot you, mummies? With your crap Brendan Fraser movies and your 2-ply wardrobe? There's the door, you embalmed losers.
There was a riot at a New Hampshire pumpkin fest last night, in case you were wondering how we'd handle a real Ebola outbreak.
I only want to hear about brunch if you drank a fifth of gin and then told everybody the truth
I'm more surprised that the road to hell is paved
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Whenever I see the Papa John's guy, I think "Fred Savage, had things not worked out for him."
Why would anyone not want to be descended from a monkey? Have you seen how fucking cool monkeys are?!
Remember when comedy was funny?
I hope ebola wipes out all confident teenagers.
"We are Subaru people." - My drunk parents