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Frustrating hour on the phone with Nyquil trying to determine whether my rock tumbler counts as "heavy machinery"
Magic Mike XXL disappoints at the box office -- are America's moms not as horny as we've been told?
Happy Jorts of July!
"I glued giant feathers on all the pens to make the signing more festive. Please tell me you love it." - Thomas Jefferson's gay friend
The NSA calls it a heightened alert. I call it a terrorism boner.
"How's the writing going?" is pretty much the worst thing you can ask a person.
Just passed a homeless guy begging for food and my first thought was: I wonder if I could pull off that kind of vest.
Hope the five percent of spray-on sunscreen that didn't immediately blow away in the wind does the trick today.
Michael Eisner says 'the hardest artist to find is a beautiful funny woman.' Its even harder when your sense of humor sucks like his does.
Finally Free from a Painful Snare.. http://africageographic.com/blog/elephant-freed-from-snare-after-2-years/ … pic.twitter.com/odl7nf195J
Double Stuf Oreos are terrible. The cookie/filling ratio is all wrong and it's gross and an abomination. Happy 4th everyone!
Writer for Family Guy
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