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Hey, every online store that I ever bought anything from in the past 7 years who are sending me emails today: Shut the fuck up!
Seeing a lot of ugly nieces and nephews on people's Thanksgiving instagrams tonight. Woof! Some real dogs.
Thank you, we had a lovely time. Now if you'll excuse us we have to hit the road and talk about you all on the drive home.
Mariah Carey has directed a Hallmark movie. We live in the best of all possible worlds.
Indian: I hate marshmallows on the sweet potatoes.
Pilgrim: Get used to not liking things.
I love my family but lining up outside this Skechers store 36 hours before Black Friday was the right thing to do.
Imagine being the person who has to tell Luke Bryan "that was great"
Nothing like Thanksgiving with family to remind you how great it is to watch TV alone.
Wait, GNC is closed on thanksgiving?
Birducken — a chicken inside a duck inside NBA legend Larry Bird
Almost at that point of Thanksgiving where I envy the turkey because it's dead.
I just watched a 15-second ad so that I could then watch Donald Trump physically mock a disabled man. Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Writer for Family Guy
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