I like to go to peep shows and try to get the clerk to high five me on the way out.

What is the etiquette on telling a stranger she has leaked a stain into her gray yoga pants?

More people have seen Kim Kardashian's vagina than have seen my face.

Pegging is for assholes.

I am going to market an Ed Hardy/Tapout style of clothing called D8 R8pist.

Spy vs Spy - I want to rendezvous with you in other cities. I want To arrive separately and check into the... http://t.co/fD3NFxaJ

I just want to remind all Family Guy fans that @sethmacfarlane was once on Gilmore girls. So stop making fun of me! Sniffle.

"I oughta know"- Dave Coulier

Who is going to win Lauren or Scotty? Trick question The Rapture is on Saturday! Ha ha God hates American Idol.

If you are about to tell me about the joys of believing in god, stop first and don't bother to start again.

Don't forget to get drunk before midnight on Friday. No one should rapture sober.

I am post dating all my checks for May 22 just in case.

@thebestmonkey Or I could be stupid and not have noticed the new blog following my Tumblr page. Ignore my last message.

@getoffendedbone The only thing more uncomfortable than plyometrics is listening to that insufferable twat Tony Horton.

@thebestmonkey I live in the south. I consider myself lucky I haven't had to explain we didn't kill Muslim Jesus.

@thebestmonkey I get sad when one of my spambot followers disappears. Thanks for rubbing it in.

Fox News is like a less classy soap opera.

@getoffendedcom Great so I have been crying all weekend for nothing.

On the other hand, if you are a girl and you start with "let me tell you about this sex dream I had" I will listen with rapt attention.

@getoffendedbone No. Throw it out.