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I occasionally drink every single night.
Mess w/ me & u'll be pushing up daisies. U'll be pulling up petunias & tugging on roses. I'll have u doing all kinds of odd shit w/ flowers.
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
i'll scrapbook until the pain goes away
just drank a fifth of pizza grease, dare me to drive
he died doing what he loved: listening to Pitbull at an archery range
the absence of my father left me with a wealth of abandonment and trust issues, but boy can i whip up a delicious tuna casserole
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes - unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
if i ever get married, i will absolutely mention wolves in my vows
Make fun of me all you want but please leave my parakeet named "Gregory Peck" out of this.
had a shitty day: my Member's Only jacket caught on fire while boiling hotdogs & my stepdad terry was making loud love to mom on our futon
guy fieri looks like he smells like kid rock's fedora
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
guy fieri is like if the rap part of a linkin park song could walk
I hope you can't get a toilet pregnant.
during my honeymoon, i'm gonna keep one arm around my beautiful new bride and one arm around my fucking saxophone
i'm not ashamed that i like hotdogs more than money
in space no one can hear you sing that iggy azalea song
#1. stand-up comic. writer. friend. MOB WIFE. his name's danny & he writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny is great