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My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
if they remake "The Goonies" i will burn Hollywood to the ground
if i ever get married, i will absolutely mention wolves in my vows
you still got it, grown man in karate class. you still got it
nothing against old folks, but can i help you clear your throat?
My hips don't lie, but my nips lie compulsively.
put heelys on my coffin so no one has to carry it
Son: Dad, who cleans up the ocean?
Dad: Well, son, the fish just call a...
*son pushes dad off of boat*
Son: So, dad, what did you think of my bagpipe recital?
Dad: Well, son, I'll be honest. I think you...
you had me at "i feel like bugs are crawling under my skin"
i hope you overdose on your own selfies
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Magic Mike? Nope, I have never seen it several times.
Son: What do you think of my haircut, dad?
Dad: I don't know, son. Let me...
shoutout to soccer dads in jorts with really hard nipples
”I put the 'sass' in sasquatch.”
"I was wrong." -No woman ever, in the history of humankind.
All I want out of life is to not look sweaty in pictures.
son: Dad, I can't find my swag.
dad: Don't worry, son, it will...
"White Powder!!" -confused racist cokehead
#1. comedian. writer. magician's assistant. danny usually writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny's very funny & great