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damn girl are you a cactus cuz you thrive with no attention from me whatsoever
My stepdad Terry tried to freestyle, but just kept saying "Drake" over and over again offbeat.
so i guess learning cursive was a complete fucking waste of time
MY BUTTCHEEKS ON FLEEK
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
"Heck! Heck off! Aw what the darn heck?!"
-Sensible dad, getting a flat tire
IT'S FRIDAY! TIME TO PARTAAAAYY!!!
*tends to spice garden*
*does "alien voice" in front of fan*
Relationship status: In a cold shower, sobbing into a Nintendo Powerglove filled with chili.
Whatever doesn't kill you is just biding its time, gaining power until it's ready to try again.
I think the sexiest way to die would be a prostitute choking me on a hot-air balloon.
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
he died doing what he loved: trying to dunk a basketball while on a cruise ship
What is your favorite movie about Mohican scarcity?
I think kids these days call them "dick pics," but they'll always be "dictures" to me.
I was in the park, polishing my weed-leaf medallion & skateboard punk yolo teens swarmed like buzzards, stealing my fear-journal & dignity.
*opens a very successful tattoo shop in 1998*
*opens an even more successful tattoo removal shop in 2015*
Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.
#1 Joke Writer • President of Stand-up Comedy • Avid Reader of Smut • Dan writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it http://t.co/jBGk1Tl5vx
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