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he died doing what he loved: playing lawn darts at night
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
what is your favorite movie about lamb silence
sure your new boyfriend is rich & handsome, but does he possess an amulet of protection like me
hey look, my socks match my crippling depression!
damn girl are you a girl because you look like a girl
pretty crazy day! i managed to squeeze a 9th hard-boiled egg into my fanny-pack!
opening a new deli in new delhi called the "new" new delhi deli -- it can't miss
not to brag, but i know the first couple words of the chorus to several popular songs
sorry i'm late, but my girlfriend's dad made me try on his old bicycle shorts to see if any of them fit before he donated them
it's cool that you were the most popular guy in your high school but will you please finish installing my cable
i am intensely passionate about the art of not rock climbing
one time i broke up with someone because i didn't like their "eating buffalo wings" face
My girlfriend proposed to me at a Red Lobster! I SAID "PERHAPS!"
"Hate" is a very strong word. "Hate" can bench press like 350.
i was in the park, bathing in a fountain & skateboard punk yolo teens said that i had "junk in my trunk"
i checked my miata. nothing. ??!?
love is just getting used to a series of each other's weird smells
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
if i ever get married, i will absolutely mention wolves in my vows
#1 & also #5. comedian. writer ordinaire. prolific failure. danny writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny's damn cool