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I occasionally drink every single night.
*gets married and has kids just for the Facebook "likes"*
Before I die, I hope I have legitimately uttered the phrase, ”Please, sir, you are standing on my cape” atleast once.
I may be alone on this one, but I think teardrop tattoos are totes adorbs.
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
i stole your girl cuz you don't know the first thing about being a dungeon master
Sorry I don't remember you. Sometimes my brain pushes out lackluster memories for refreshing, more interesting ones.
I'm happy to announce that I finally removed all of the spider web I walked into in 1996.
🎶 This is what it sounds like when doves come home from work early to find their wife in bed with their sensei and spiritual advisor Chad 🎶
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"
*leans in to my stepdad Terry in his casket*
"How much can you bench press now, though?"
Can you h a n d l e the smoke from my vape, punk?
sentence structure possibly, or syntax is one of my many of my problems, the biggest, maybe, of them
FOUR exclamation points? Seems more like a three exclamation point kind of thing.
*swims very close to a shark*
Shark: "I have a boyfriend."
Follow you're dreams, kids. Follow you're dreams.
I got kicked out of another gang for selling the wrong color lemonade in front of the trap house.
President of Stand-up Comedy • #1 • Writer • Artist • Studio Rat • Avid Reader of Smut • Dan writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it.
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