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I wish I could restore my liver to its original factory settings.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*stuffs balls into condom*
"Yeah I do sex a lot."
*reaches for 2nd condom*
"Why? Is this your first time?"
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
Before I die, I hope I have legitimately uttered the phrase, ”Please, sir, you are standing on my cape” atleast once.
more like mac-a-lonely and cheese
Is your next door neighbor quiet, friendly and stays to himself? Be careful, that's definitely a serial killer.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
My cats don't realize how easily I could break their necks, but they also don't realize how easily they could break my heart.
If Pitbull has a "Greatest Hits" CD, I will burn the planet down.
It's weird that you need money to stay alive.
Rapper: "Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?!"
*crowd loses it*
*a hush falls over the stadium*
One guy in the back: "No, I'm not ready"
My doctor told me that all the macaroni and cheese is really affecting my blood pressure, so it looks like the hunter has become the hunted.
"So what do you do for a living?"
Me? It's pretty interesting, actually. I fart into bags of potato chips right before they seal them up.
i want nancy grace and guy fieri to start dating and sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant
*wears a turtleneck in the jacuzzi*
It's almost like you do better when I'm not around, girl.
damn girl are you a cactus cuz you thrive with no attention from me whatsoever
My stepdad Terry tried to freestyle, but just kept saying "Drake" over and over again offbeat.
President of Stand-up Comedy • Artist • #1 • Writerer • Humoredian • Avid Reader of Smut • Dan writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it.
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