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during mating season, a male guy fieri consumes more than 15,000 calories per day
If I flex my biceps outdoors, eagles are summoned and gently perch on my arms.
another way to hurt a vampire is to make fun of his ponytail
what is your favorite movie about lamb silence
What is your favorite movie about an ooze secret?
guy fieri is what happens when you put hair dye, aluminum foil and a shirt with flames on it in a microwave and set if for 15 minutes
*holds nose while giving oral sex*
My favorite part about working at Hot Topic is the half hour they give me to practice my spells.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My "sex" face is also my "holding my breath underwater" face.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
”I put the 'sass' in sasquatch.”
One time a cop tazed my falcon when I beckoned it in an Arby's parking lot.
My girlfriend's dad is mad at me because I dunked on him and hung on the rim with my balls in his face for like 5 minutes.
People who still call it "Surfing the web," who hurt you?
*weeps over a delicious jambalaya recipe*
if only those flames on your shirt were real
People who don't cut their sandwiches diagonally also know great places to hide dead bodies.
damn boy are you the last row of seats at a SeaWorld show cuz i didn't get wet at all
#1 Comedian. Writer ordinaire. Prolific reader. Often Danny writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. Scholars have said Danny is absolu-
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