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I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
make fun of me all you want but please leave my man-purse filled with scones out of this
WE GET IT...YOU SMOKE WEED.
no one likes my fungus puns, but they're starting to grow on me
the kimmy gibbler: 90's tv icon or weird sex move?
Russell Brand and Johnny Depp engage in a bracelet collection competition -- the loser must give the victor his entire scarf collection.
if i ever get married, my first dance as husband and wife will be to the M*A*S*H* theme song
for halloween i'm going as "agoraphobia"
my stepdad terry really p's me off when he blows vape smoke at my face & makes out w/ my mom on my bunk bed on top of my nintendo cartridges
never trust a man wearing a toe ring and a diamond anklet
Money talks. Bullshit walks. Fedoras prance. Bean bag chairs skip. Karate pants hit on your girlfriend.
my stepdad's passion for wearing skinny jeans is tearing this family apart
even though my nipples look fantastic, i still wear a turtleneck in the shower
i was in the park reading a romance novel on a tree branch & skateboard punk yolo teens took my bird-watching journal & my owl stickers
Relationship status: eating macaroni & cheese out of a bedpan with a toothbrush.
if having a toothpick in your mouth makes you look cool, having 12 in your mouth makes you look 12x cooler
i wear a bluetooth in each ear because i am a VERY BUSY DOUCHE
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I'd rather watch a puppy trot playfully into a crocodile's mouth than see an ex having fun in public.
soup is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it
#1. stand-up comic. writer. friend. danny writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny is cool & the greatest stand-up comi