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Sorry I don't remember you. Sometimes my brain pushes out lackluster memories for refreshing, more interesting ones.
I'm happy to announce that I finally removed all of the spider web I walked into in 1996.
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
🎶 This is what it sounds like when doves come home from work early to find their wife in bed with their sensei and spiritual advisor Chad 🎶
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"
I occasionally drink every single night.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
*leans in to my stepdad Terry in his casket*
"How much can you bench press now, though?"
Can you h a n d l e the smoke from my vape, punk?
sentence structure possibly, or syntax is one of my many of my problems, the biggest, maybe, of them
FOUR exclamation points? Seems more like a three exclamation point kind of thing.
*swims very close to a shark*
Shark: "I have a boyfriend."
Follow you're dreams, kids. Follow you're dreams.
I got kicked out of another gang for selling the wrong color lemonade in front of the trap house.
What idiot called it a championship belt instead of a Fanny Pacquiao?
I don't make jokes about death because death killed my father.
I was doing squats-thrusts on my roof when skateboard punk yolo teens did tricks off my Miata. I got in "ready stance" & they laughed at me.
What ever happened to clouds 1-8?
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
I wish I could restore my liver to its original factory settings.
President of Stand-up Comedy • Tender Lover • #1 • Writer • Artist • Avid Reader of Smut • Dan writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it.
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