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Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.
damn girl are you a girl because you look like a girl
selfie sticks are essential because people who take selfies don't have many friends
letter to my ex: sorry i sounded like the guy from the B-52s every time we made love
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
Not to brag, but my "sex" face is also my "playing the trumpet" face.
Your dream of becoming a legendary dubstep DJ at 55-years-old is tearing our family apart.
never take advice from a man with a hole in his fedora for his ponytail
I was baptized in hotdog water.
Hell is Adam Levine explaining what each of his tattoos "means."
saddened that my cats will never experience the pure joy of thumb wrestling
during mating season, a male guy fieri consumes more than 15,000 calories per day
If I flex my biceps outdoors, eagles are summoned and gently perch on my arms.
another way to hurt a vampire is to make fun of his ponytail
what is your favorite movie about lamb silence
What is your favorite movie about an ooze secret?
guy fieri is what happens when you put hair dye, aluminum foil and a shirt with flames on it in a microwave and set if for 15 minutes
*holds nose while giving oral sex*
My favorite part about working at Hot Topic is the half hour they give me to practice my spells.
#1 • World-Renowned Stand-up Comedian • Writer Ordinaire • Avid Reader of Smut • Often, Dan writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it.
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