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i am intensely passionate about the art of not rock climbing
one time i broke up with someone because i didn't like their "eating buffalo wings" face
My girlfriend proposed to me at a Red Lobster! I SAID "PERHAPS!"
"Hate" is a very strong word. "Hate" can bench press like 350.
i was in the park, bathing in a fountain & skateboard punk yolo teens said that i had "junk in my trunk"
i checked my miata. nothing. ??!?
love is just getting used to a series of each other's weird smells
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
if i ever get married, i will absolutely mention wolves in my vows
bae: "No, you hang up fir--"
me: *immediately hangs up*
the hills have eyes but at least they don't have crippling student loan debt
what is your favorite movie about lamb silence
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
make fun of me all you want but please leave my man-purse filled with scones out of this
WE GET IT...YOU SMOKE WEED.
no one likes my fungus puns, but they're starting to grow on me
the kimmy gibbler: 90's tv icon or weird sex move?
Russell Brand and Johnny Depp engage in a bracelet collection competition -- the loser must give the victor his entire scarf collection.
if i ever get married, my first dance as husband and wife will be to the M*A*S*H* theme song
for halloween i'm going as "agoraphobia"
my stepdad terry really p's me off when he blows vape smoke at my face & makes out w/ my mom on my bunk bed on top of my nintendo cartridges
#1. stand-up comic. writer ordinaire. prolific friend. danny writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny is damn cool