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I occasionally drink every single night.
just drank a fifth of old Christmas tree water, dare me to drive
*leans in to my stepdad Terry in his casket*
"How much can you bench press now, though?"
Guy Fieri is like if early-90's clip art could walk and talk and flirt with your aunt.
I feel so sorry for Donald Trump's shampoo.
I'm sorry I missed the wedding, but I got really drunk off of wig-glue and cleaned my collection of binoculars for several hours.
I can't believe Thœd, the guy who trims my mullet on the mattress behind Red Lobster, can barely speak American.
*slides cat my phone number*
I only take Chantix for the "unusual dreams."
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It wasn't so much a "first date" as it was a "holding in farts for 4 hours."
I got kicked out of another gang for wearing a fannypack while I mowed the lawn in front of the trap house.
No one likes my gasoline puns, but they get me pumped!
(My loneliness is paralyzing.)
Me (trying to flirt with a hot babe at a bar): "Hey, where are you going?"
”So who's ready to fuck!!?!”
-Me, at the petting zoo, then later that same day in jail.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
If I flex my biceps outdoors, eagles are summoned and gently perch on my arms.
Writer • President of Standup Comedy • Mix Engineer • Proud Son • Avid Reader of Smut • Danny writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it.
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