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If you're not sitting in a leather chair stroking a cat right now, what are you even doing with your fucking life?
When it comes to little Luke, you are NOT THE FATHER!
*Darth Vader does the robot and high-fives the front row*
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
"Yep. I know, I know."
*nods head reassuringly*
-me, if i didn't hear what you just said
I wonder how much the bandana industry would suffer without gang members and bald dudes.
if you try to shoot me, i'll just punch the bullet back into the gun and you'll pee your pants. i've done it countless times
if i've ever done anything to disappoint you in any way, i sincerely apologize to myself for caring those few seconds just now
you had me at hello my name is inigo montoya
*does awesome parkour to the refrigerator and back to the couch*
If it was possible, I would absolutely get married to a nap.
first date tip: if you're a girl, exhibit your sexual prowess by breaking a board with your head
LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
*lights scented candles*
*gives dog a bath*
*snacks on cheese cubes*
*falls asleep at 9pm*
to be honest, i'm kind of peeved that my father never taught me how to tie a tie or trust another person or read/write
Even though I was born a man, on the inside I feel like a wolf.
I occasionally drink every single night.
it's hard out here for a pimp with no hands
*rips jacket off hipster*
This is for Members ONLY!
*hipster's handlebar mustache fades away*
*jeans become less skinny*
*shirt loses irony*
my entire wardrobe is made up of clothes from various Lost & Founds all over the country
I was doing Jazzercise in the park when skateboard punk yolo teens took my tarot cards & threw them in a pond.I cried several times in a row
whittling down my wardrobe until it's only pajamas
#1. comedian. writer. glamorous actress. danny usually writes his bio in the 3rd-person & pretends someone else did it. people say danny is very funny & great &