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[Jay Leno points a gun at you] “Did you see this, did you hear about this?” [cocks hammer] “DID YOU!?” [pulls trigger, whispers] “Did you?”
That’s me in the corner / That’s me in the corner too / That’s also me in the corner over there / I’m in a hall of mirrors
If you've never held your cat over your head and walked around the house going "Wooooosh!" then you've never played Supercat.
Sometimes, the only way to deal with life in an absurd world is to be as silly as humanly possible.
I wish Twitter played a toilet flush sound effect every time I unfollowed someone.
Nothing makes you question your masculinity more than being so smitten with a woman that you start using emoticons in text messages.
Not only will I bogart this joint, I'll also cagney, wayne, bacall and hepburn all over it.
My neck, my back / My llama and my yak
My parents raised me to be a gentleman, which sucks because nothing turns women off faster than treating them with respect.
SEXT: I have twelve apples. I give you three, eat two, buy five more, and my uncle's cat gets feline AIDS. How old is Susan?
I reject the concept of “Weird Twitter” vs. “Normal Twitter.” As far as I’m concerned, it’s “Fun Twitter” vs. “Boring Twitter.”
Anybody know what the opposite of anorexia is. Because that's what I have.
It’s Bath Salts Season at Subway! Subway: Eat Flesh.
Val Kilmer looks like he ate all the unsold Batman Forever merchandise.
The only funny thing about Jimmy Fallon is that he's going to die someday.
Endless shrimp. A never-ending torrent of shimp. A ceaseless avalanche of shrimp. An unyielding assault of shrimp. Undying hordes of shrimp.
I FUCKING LOVE THE ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA, AND FUCK YOU IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
Twitter: Where people brag about how long it's been since the last time they got laid.
William Shooby Taylor (a.k.a. The Human Horn) (September 19, 1929 - June 4, 2003) is famous for scat singing over various records.