A woman driving in front of me indicated a left turn & she actually turned left. How am I supposed to prepare myself for these mind games?

People who write hai and bai, wai?

-Boss: "Send me one of your funny tweets"
-Me: "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later"
-Boss: "Hahaha! Send me another one."

Facebook needs an "I've already seen this on Twitter" button.

It's not you, it's just some of the stuff you do. And say. And think. And believe. And listen to. And read. And wear. And eat. That's it.

People who write thanQ, fuQ.

If a girl likes you she'll show it by not showing it. That's when you really know. Of course it could also mean she doesn't like you at all.

People always appreciate how honest I am until I'm honest about them.

#PornHasTaughtMe A babysitter usually masturbates instead of actually looking after your baby.

What's Batman's favorite vegetable?

Batenjen.

HAHAHAHAiwouldunfollowmeHAHAHAHA.

Jesus turned water into wine.

My girlfriend turns oxygen into whine.

Your move, Jesus.

Horny chickens want the ديك.

Curiosity killed the cat, but I'd like to know how.

I have a black eye in martial arts.

How do you pronounce the * in "f*ck"?

Marriage.

A misunderstanding between two people.

Don't waste your Twitter on life.

Studying... Stud... Stu... St..OP POSTING THAT SAME FUCKING JOKE.

I hate it when I accidentally take a 5 minutes nap and wake up next week.

Infinity is just the number 8 when it's really drunk.