Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except cheese burgers. And ice cream. Oh, and waffles, definitely waffles. Don't forget Bacon too.

To impress a girl, I cook her some eggs. It displays my culinary skills and when I flinch at the spattering pan, it shows my vulnerability.

If porn was more realistic, it would be 30 minutes of a guy doing the dishes, a 20 minute back rub and then 5 minutes of sex.

I'm at my least witty when attempting to write a message in a co-worker's Birthday card.

Yesterday I went sailing with my 2 dogs who were both wearing life jackets. I have never felt more white or middle class.

Well excuse me for having a deeply flawed personality and being unwilling to work on it!

You call it stalking, I call it research.

As it turns out, explaining the plot of Inception to girls is not the panty-dropper I expected it to be.

Everything tastes better with cheese, unless of course, you're eating a bag of dicks.

Just asked my gf if she wanted to hit this and BAM! She punched me in the cock.

Pretty sure that when I go to work, my dog thinks I spend all day playing frisbee over the park without him :(

Bonus features? More like boner features OMG I AM SO WITTY!

I wish there were more things in life that make me as happy as guacamole does.

My dog's affection for me is directly proportional to the amount of cheddar cheese I drop on the floor.

My work blocked Twitter, so I've resorted to writing jokes on post-it notes and sticking them around the office.

I've spent the last hour trying to word a psychopath / cycle path joke & this is the result. Fuck this tweet.

If I'm so lazy, how come I built this awesome pillow fort? No it is not just my bed. Fuck you, you are banished from the fort! #CLSC

Any time I'm in the vicinity of a swimming pool inlet hole, I remember 'Guts' by Chuck Palahniuk and move the fuck away.

Do one thing everyday that scares you like conversing with humans or getting out of bed.

Today I caused a kitchen fire, sneezed in a client's face and mowed down a cyclist but my hair looked amazing so all in all a good day