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Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except cheese burgers. And ice cream. Oh, and waffles, definitely waffles. Don't forget Bacon too.
To impress a girl, I cook her some eggs. It displays my culinary skills and when I flinch at the spattering pan, it shows my vulnerability.
If porn was more realistic, it would be 30 minutes of a guy doing the dishes, a 20 minute back rub and then 5 minutes of sex.
I'm at my least witty when attempting to write a message in a co-worker's Birthday card.
Yesterday I went sailing with my 2 dogs who were both wearing life jackets. I have never felt more white or middle class.
Well excuse me for having a deeply flawed personality and being unwilling to work on it!
You call it stalking, I call it research.
As it turns out, explaining the plot of Inception to girls is not the panty-dropper I expected it to be.
Everything tastes better with cheese, unless of course, you're eating a bag of dicks.
Just asked my gf if she wanted to hit this and BAM! She punched me in the cock.
Pretty sure that when I go to work, my dog thinks I spend all day playing frisbee over the park without him :(
Bonus features? More like boner features OMG I AM SO WITTY!
I wish there were more things in life that make me as happy as guacamole does.
My dog's affection for me is directly proportional to the amount of cheddar cheese I drop on the floor.
My work blocked Twitter, so I've resorted to writing jokes on post-it notes and sticking them around the office.
I've spent the last hour trying to word a psychopath / cycle path joke & this is the result. Fuck this tweet.
If I'm so lazy, how come I built this awesome pillow fort? No it is not just my bed. Fuck you, you are banished from the fort! #CLSC
Any time I'm in the vicinity of a swimming pool inlet hole, I remember 'Guts' by Chuck Palahniuk and move the fuck away.
Do one thing everyday that scares you like conversing with humans or getting out of bed.
Today I caused a kitchen fire, sneezed in a client's face and mowed down a cyclist but my hair looked amazing so all in all a good day
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