Gee I wonder who the pig was that ate three lbs of vodka soaked gummi bears and threw up all over the lobby Friday night.

predator vs honey boo boo

*kicks rihanna's pubic bone through her rib cage, does a spinning pile on her, breaking her spine in three places*

Jon Benet did it better, honey boo boo.

Mother just coined a word: “molestable". Use it in a sentence today!

Somewhere in the still of the night a lonely woman farts in bed, sending her eight cats three feet in the air simultaneously.

marriage is for fags

weird how guys with downs always have donkey cocks

redbull gives you skids.

everyone make an origami dove and send it to north Korea. what the fuck are you waiting for?

if Minnie Driver made it, so can you guys.

I like to start my day with a maca and ginger root whey smoothie and end my day with a sloppy double vodka martini.

if you wanna be my lover/gotta get with my mom/undergrad forever/hardship never ends

applying for 2 jobs. 1 at the dildo shop and one as a Don . I don't know what a Don is but I get free rent and get to call myself The Don.

if I smell fear on a man or see that he walks with a limp I knock him over the head with my spiny tail and drag him into my lair.

*smashes yr grandmother's face against her walker, breaking her dentures* Discuss.

Kids, I too thought it would be fun to let my backbone slide and now I'm paralyzed from the waist down.

Sad Matthew mcconoughey had to get AIDs for a movie roll just to be taken seriously as an actor.

i just unfollowed a bitch for flirting back and forth w/ some douche bag. not on my timeline slutty McSlutterson.

my flabby body mounted over you, spasms and collapses in an oily sweaty puddle after three shallow thrusts. You are full of shame & remorse.