Money Making Idea- Cookbooks that use foul language.
2cups Flour
1 Fucking egg
1 of those tiny ass spoons full of salt
Mix the shit

I just told my wife that I was taking a break from twitter today........then we laughed and laughed

The best part of watching the show COPS is getting a tour of my uncles house without driving to Alabama.

My four year old's band is better than your band because she has a polar bear for a drummer.

If you can place a screen protector correctly on the first try then you might as well be a fucking heart surgeon.

How bout a Paula Deen and Meatloaf sex tape and you dont know if its Meatloaf the person or an actual Meatloaf until its too late.

I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

Jesus Christ would SpongeBob and Sandy just fuck already.

Following a cop around just to switch things up.

Five years ago I was in charge of my sisters pet rock while she was on vacation. It died and I replaced with a similar looking rock.

Don't be writing funny answers to your security questions cause I just had to tell a grow ass man my childhood crush was Dick Cheney.

My boss just called his wife a miserable cocksucking bitch and now Im wondering why he stuck a compliment in the middle of an insult

Me: How ya doing dude
Friend: My parents are getting divorced
M: Sooo..
F: Shut up
M: So yer mom..
F: Shut up
M:. Is singl
F: Shut up

My kid just stepped out of the room to get her drink and she took her snack with her. 4 years old and she knows its a "dad eat snack"world

Is your house too clean ? Do you sleep too much ? Do you own nice things ? Ask your Doctor if having kids is right for you.

Life is like art, some of it sucks.

My new boss assumed I was an idiot
I assumed my new boss was smart
We both were wrong
This is awkward

I think its very possible that some people on the internet lie.

Give me liberty or give me a corner piece of that birthday cake.

I just saw a picture of John Travolta's boyfriend. I think he could do better.