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A tv show about a time traveling Easter candy.
You say tomato I text my wife "Dude your brother just keeps saying "Tomato" what the fuck ?"
I bet aliens think horse racing is weird huh ?
"Shut up Coach is on" - something I heard a lot as a kid.
I just told my kids that the Pope resigned. Then I explained what a pope is,then I explained what it means to resign, Now Im explaining god
Money Making Idea- Cookbooks that use foul language.
1 Fucking egg
1 of those tiny ass spoons full of salt
Mix the shit
What would Jesus do ? He'd probably go to the zoo. He's always wanted to see a giraffe. Probably.
Dont fuck with me Universe, I'll just smoke weed and watch musicals all day. I'll fucking do it*+
*shakes fist at sky
+ takes off pants
Marriage Tip - Know which towels are the nice towels.
They should allow opinions on the internet. Not just facts.
I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.
How bout a Paula Deen and Meatloaf sex tape and you dont know if its Meatloaf the person or an actual Meatloaf until its too late.
Following a cop around just to switch things up.
The best part of watching the show COPS is getting a tour of my uncles house without driving to Alabama.
Im in that weird area between drunk and stoned where you cant stop thinking about
I just told my wife that I was taking a break from twitter today........then we laughed and laughed