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Starting a "headshots" business for guys who send dick pics. There's a lot of wieners out there and you want yours to stand out!
Another 10 lbs or so and you're gonna see me on ABC getting lifted out of my apartment by a forklift.
Some guy yelled "Garfield" at me when I was walking to the train. It does not feel good to be a victim of catcalling.
My neighbor got all bent out of shape when I changed the "K" to a "T" on her "LOST KITTY" poster. Like, relax lady it was just a joke.
More like ERECTION Day, am I right?! Haha!
...Oh. It was yesterday?
*Deletes Twitter account*
Really been getting into acquisitions and mergers lately.
If I was a monkey, I'd definitely throw poop at a couple of my co-workers.
So cool how it gets dark at 2:00 in the afternoon now!
Ooooh someone left a bag of Halloween candy on the subway. SCORE!!!
My train was so crowded this morning I think I tried anal for the first time?
I'm starting to think some of the people on the streets of NY dress that way on purpose.
You had me at "I'm a DJ."
- no one ever
Oh cool! Almond Butter is on sale for $82.50 this week.
Just thinking hot yoga woulda been better last night if the guy next to me hadn't smelled like dog food.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: My left hand and I are fighting
WHY WOULD YOU RUB MY FEET IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?!
I was 24 when I learned my pee hole is separate from the other one and I love spaghetti & meatballs. Vine: Dana Bruno