Hey, listen up. If I text you & 5 hours later you still haven't replied but you've tweeted 38 times, you can go play with a gun.

Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.

I don't give up on people I care about. If I'm in your life it's because I want to see you thrive & fly. #simpletruth

There should be a law saying if you can unequivocally prove you've given someone all your love & they crush your heart you can murder them.

Obama & Romney walking around, talking over each other. This feels like I’m watching 8 Mile with rhyme-less free styling. #debate

If a girl likes you she'll show it by never showing it. That's when you really know. It could also mean she doesn't like you at all.

If you're single on Valentine's Day, see a couple holding hands, run through the middle & yell, "I'VE BROKEN THE SPELL! BE FREE!"

Breakfast Club has a 40 minute library scene, all dialogue, that’s more interesting, compelling & entertaining than most movies today.

If someone takes more then 4 hours to respond to you texting "u wanna hang out" they better be dead, dying or almost dead or almost dying.

"You know life is worth the struggle when you look back on what you lost, and realize what you have now is way better than before." -unknown

“@courtney_cook: RT if .̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨you thought your screen was cracked...”

When do Obama & Romney head outside to compete on the Wipeout obstacle course? #debate

I like make-up sex but prefer you're-never-gonna-win-this-argument-babe-so-stop-sulking-let's-bang-then-go-eat sex.

If you like texting while you drive you might also enjoy brushing your teeth with a gun or wiping your ass with a chainsaw.

For those counting. Obama has blinked 468 times. Romney 11. #debate

Pinterest is girl porn.

Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

Some people brighten up a room by leaving it.

I love October. It's like the Saturday of months.

Girls fake orgasms. Guys fake relationships.