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Just seen a woman with camel toe. And camel face. And camel humps.
Re-thinking it, she may have been a camel.
Been invited to a 6am funeral but I declined. I told them I'm not really a mourning person.
The fourth of may be with you.
Am I doing it? Am I doing the internet?
Am I meme?!
Friends? Do I have friends?
Your tweet was funnier when I saw it on a keyring in '99.
Before twitter I used to just sit on the toilet and whisper this stuff
If you can't handle me at my Recent then you don't deserve me at my Best Of.
I have a sweet tooth or 'cavity' as my dentist insists on calling it.
If James Bond has taught me one thing it's that as soon as I let my guard down, my girlfriend will steal my money and run off with a bad guy
Twitter is good because I just opened a picture of a dildo on the rush hour train and there's no way of explaining it.
Roses are STOP DOING THESE SHIT JOKES, Violets are SERIOUSLY FUCKING STOP IT.
They call my tweets Texans because they all stay in the lone star state
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be, so I've chosen to be a lottery winner.
I call bullshit.
I know I've been in bed too long when the Americans start to wake up
1776 - 'We hold these truths to be self evident'
2012 - 'Pics or it didn't happen'
Going to follow myself now. This should be interesting. I bet I'm fucking dumb.
I hate tweeting about necrophilia, it's a dead touchy subject
Girls call me My Chemical Romance because nobody has even pretended to care what I'm doing since 2006
I'm lucky to have my girlfriend and all my friends and I'm super appreciative of that. It's real nice to smile a lot.