Just seen a woman with camel toe. And camel face. And camel humps.

Re-thinking it, she may have been a camel.

The fourth of may be with you.

Am I doing it? Am I doing the internet?

Am I meme?!

Friends? Do I have friends?

Been invited to a 6am funeral but I declined. I told them I'm not really a mourning person.

Your tweet was funnier when I saw it on a keyring in '99.

I have a sweet tooth or 'cavity' as my dentist insists on calling it.

If you can't handle me at my Recent then you don't deserve me at my Best Of.

Before twitter I used to just sit on the toilet and whisper this stuff

1 in every 93 #madeupstaturday tweets is accidentally fact.

If James Bond has taught me one thing it's that as soon as I let my guard down, my girlfriend will steal my money and run off with a bad guy

I've just seen a favstar where the one of the guy's top tweets was a manual retweet where he'd added 'lol'. WHERE IS THE FUCKING JUSTICE

Roses are STOP DOING THESE SHIT JOKES, Violets are SERIOUSLY FUCKING STOP IT.

Twitter is good because I just opened a picture of a dildo on the rush hour train and there's no way of explaining it.

When are David Duchovny and @adar79angie gonna fuck already

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be, so I've chosen to be a lottery winner.

I call bullshit.

What's a TommyKarate? I hate you all, Twitter.

Twitter user spotted in public. pic.twitter.com/WIGHOpKd

Lots of people with thousands of followers are thankful for discovering Twitter in 2012. I started in 2008 and I'm not at 1,000. Cuntwitter.

Going to follow myself now. This should be interesting. I bet I'm fucking dumb.

I hate tweeting about necrophilia, it's a dead touchy subject

I know I've been in bed too long when the Americans start to wake up