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The fourth of may be with you.
Am I doing it? Am I doing the internet?
Am I meme?!
Friends? Do I have friends?
Been invited to a 6am funeral but I declined. I told them I'm not really a mourning person.
Before twitter I used to just sit on the toilet and whisper this stuff
Your tweet was funnier when I saw it on a keyring in '99.
If you can't handle me at my Recent then you don't deserve me at my Best Of.
I have a sweet tooth or 'cavity' as my dentist insists on calling it.
Whose idea was it to make toilets white? Um, hello, I'll take 1 brown toilet and 1 Nobel prize please
If James Bond has taught me one thing it's that as soon as I let my guard down, my girlfriend will steal my money and run off with a bad guy
What's the difference between a guardian angel and a spirit animal? Anyway, mine's a cheeseburger.
Twitter is good because I just opened a picture of a dildo on the rush hour train and there's no way of explaining it.
Weird how this police officer keeps saying Road Traffic "Accident" when I've already explained I did it on purpose.
Roses are STOP DOING THESE SHIT JOKES, Violets are SERIOUSLY FUCKING STOP IT.
They call my tweets Texans because they all stay in the lone star state
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be, so I've chosen to be a lottery winner.
I call bullshit.
Apparently they're short staffed in heaven so I have to share the same guardian angel as Chad Kroeger. That means I'm going to hell right?
Luckily, you can't be found guilty of a crime if at least 7 people on twitter agree it was justified.
1776 - 'We hold these truths to be self evident'
2012 - 'Pics or it didn't happen'
I always respond to messages and I always have gum. I love @Mollyyyobrien.
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