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"I was terrible at High School, maybe I'll be awesome at babies" -Far too many people.
Sometimes all someone needs is a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Loving someone who hurts you isn't crazy ... Thinking that someone who hurts you also loves you, however; is.
I think it's safe to say that if you still use "meister" as a suffix, you have also recently shouted upstairs for your Mom to make you food.
The only reason Mariah Carey started posting pictures of her twins is to prove she hasn't eaten them yet.
Not understanding the Louis Vuitton condoms. If you want to jizz inside something worth $80, Tara Reid's not doing much these days.
At Walmart. Nothing says "sure thing" like my four bottles of wine, two cartons of ice cream, and a size-too-big pair of men's pajama pants.
Oh, you have a puppy? Here, let me cut my pants off.
Trying to avoid finding out who this Boehner guy is, because I like pretending that it's just a really fancy way to spell my favorite word.
Bored? Hah, no, I'm never bored. I have a pair of boobs and two hands, why would I get bored?
Twenty bucks says the guy at the bar wearing a fanny pack has it filled to the brim with My Little Pony figurines.
I wish Donald Trump would put as much thought into talking as dogs do when deciding where to poop.
CSI has mostly taught me that guys who like to murder people need to be more strict about where they put their jizz afterwards.
The internet was made for men to look at boobs, and for women to stalk the men they trust.
Today I was about 30 seconds away from buying a bed shaped like a sports car. How am I still single?
I wish people would put the same amount of effort into thinking before speaking that dogs do when deciding where to poop.
William Shattner seems like he could breastfeed me.
She's all "give me my baby back!" And I'm all "just let me smell it!"
I would worry about dying in a plane crash, but the likelihood of a plane hitting this couch are slim to none.
Pharmacy was closed so I took this expired pain medication. The unicorn I'm talking to says I'll feel better when the sky stops melting.
Human Rights Activist, M.S. in Astronomy student, gamer, comedienne, physics nerd, author.