£75million on Carroll, Henderson and Downing. That is fucking tragic Liverpool. #LFC #NUFC #AVFC #SAFC

If Andy Cole and Tony Yeboah inpregnated Beyonce. And that baby grew up to be a footballer. The result would be Papiss Cisse. #NUFC #9

That #NUFC leaked shirt is not real, and if you believed it was. Go and see a doctor. Its an old Botofogo shirt. http://t.co/bzd2sFNy

Danny Graham scored for Swansea? Great. That's me getting 10 friend requests from tarts on Facebook tonight. #SCFC #NUFC

@vincentkompany seems like such a good guy, very eloquent and genuine. Refreshingly polite, fully deserves his medal. #MCFC #MOTD

#NUFC have just signed statistically the 2nd best striker in Germany, SAFC have just failed to sign the 3rd best striker in Bolton.

Valencia favourites to sign Klose apparently. Wonder if they're still after Gameiro then? #NUFC

I have to go to work tomorrow and Jedward don't. That's the world we live in.

SHIT city, SHIT stadium, SHIT strip, SHIT accent, SHIT club. Give Collymore the fucking Villa job. #VillasNextMessiah

We're unbeaten in 6 games and all of a sudden Ashley isn't so bad. Fickle as fuck some of you. #NUFC

People who ask celebrities or footballers for retweets should be exterminated. It's tedious and pathetic.

Andy Carroll, Phil Jones, Jordan Henderson: £71m. England caps between them: 3.

Harry Redknapp looks like someone drew a sad face on their balls with their left hand. Can't take him seriously. #NUFC

Great customer service from @asos_heretohelp. Something quite rare these days. Thanks guys.

Looking at Andy Murray's mother, you can totally tell where he gets his sparkling charisma from.

I don't think I've ever wanted us to beat anybody more than I want us to beat Liverpool on Friday. #NUFC

@taylorandbesty I'll see your Lille picture, and raise you a wedding photo. #NUFC #cabayedreamboat http://t.co/Xly1bxgy

Fucking typical. We sign a good striker, for free. And #NUFC fans just whinge that he's gonna be crocked.

John Bishop talks like he has a hot roast potato in his mouth. #ComicRelief2013

Stop trying to turn my sister into a prostitute. Even if she looks like she's had her DNA spliced with Pumbaa from the Lion King #JeremyKyle