@DannyPockets' (Jason Murray) most faved Tweets...
Failed another interview. HR lady asks how would my friends describe me. Apparently, “with words and sentences” was not an acceptable answer
Even though probably nothing sexual would have happened, I think me and Jesus would've really hit it off.
I have such incredible bad luck with women. Can you believe I haven’t dated a single one that thinks my rape jokes are funny?
Damn. These guys on facebook are serious. You know I'm pretty sure that's how Hitler got started, by getting taken too seriously on facebook
When a man hits a woman, it’s domestic violence. But when a woman hits a woman, that’s about self-empowerment. (Also known as Foxy Boxing).
15
My round at the bar, the cute girl told me to "surprise her," so I bought her a beer and told her that her mother just died.
15
I have confidence issues. Even though I think I’m better than everyone else, I still think I’m not good enough for other people.
13
I was at the park with Jesus, getting drunk. I had on my God Hates Me t-shirt, which really annoyed him, but he didn’t say anything about it
12
If I was alone in the woods, with no one around to hear, I’d light fires and say “How’d you like me now, you silent falling mother fuckers?”
12
If I met a school girl named Mary I’d give her a little lamb, with a side of peas and gravy. And then fleece her of her snow white innocence
12
Has anyone else noticed you can’t spell ‘therapy’ without r-a-p-e ? Yeah, neither had my therapist. But I sure showed her.
11
Lady pie is another awesome vagina euphemism. For more formal occasions. Like if you’re talking about your Grandma at family BBQs and stuff.
10
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar