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Scientists are baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies and play video games and not shoot each other.
Hey people who govern: You know how afraid you are of the NRA? That's NOTHING compared to the fear every parent shares today!
If video games are really the problem I think in the 80's we'd have heard a lot more stories of plumbers being assaulted with barrels.
Weird to think that one day we're all gonna date Taylor Swift.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
As an organ donor I wonder if there's some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got watch him walk through a spider web.
My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
"Marriage should be between a Man Cousin and a Woman Cousin." North Carolina Amendment 1 supporter
To people who are afraid to fly: Statistically you are more likely to be executed by Rick Perry than die in a plane crash.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
No word yet on whether Kim & Kanye's baby is a boy or a girl but sources close to the couple predict it will be a horrible person.
Writer/Exec Producer on ABC's Modern Family.