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Scientists are baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies and play video games and not shoot each other.
Hey people who govern: You know how afraid you are of the NRA? That's NOTHING compared to the fear every parent shares today!
If video games are really the problem I think in the 80's we'd have heard a lot more stories of plumbers being assaulted with barrels.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Kim Kardashian about to be famous for something coming OUT of her vagina. #CircleOfLife
Saw Chris Brown on the Red Carpet so to recap: Side Boob not allowed, but Full Asshole totally cool. #Grammys
Obama says he'll meet you tonight on the beach in Atlantic City. RT @realdonaldtrump
Not hearing much from Obama about my $5M offer.
As an organ donor I wonder if there's some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got watch him walk through a spider web.
Taylor Swift is better at pretending to be surprised when she wins than happy for the other artist when she loses. #GoldenGlobes
My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
"Marriage should be between a Man Cousin and a Woman Cousin." North Carolina Amendment 1 supporter
To people who are afraid to fly: Statistically you are more likely to be executed by Rick Perry than die in a plane crash.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
.@realdonaldtrump I've had failures. Not lose my inheritance go bankrupt a bunch of times & become a paid race baiting buffoon, But failures
No word yet on whether Kim & Kanye's baby is a boy or a girl but sources close to the couple predict it will be a horrible person.
Writer/Exec Producer on ABC's Modern Family.
