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.@realdonaldtrump Thank you for always standing up to China & never being a hypocr-- Wait, what's this...? pic.twitter.com/DceO1JgIjn
Nice how I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by the Asian girl I always see at Starbucks.
"Global warming is bullshit," said my neighbor who believes a man built a boat & rescued every animal on earth from a flood.
URGENT question for Amanda Bynes: I just forgot to pick my daughter up from school. Did your dad ever do that to you??
A scantily clad woman who walked into this Vegas lounge w/ a large scary dude seems REALLY into me. Bet she knows me from twitter! #Star
.@realdonaldtrump @apprenticenbc The only way you could be losing rating points faster is if you inherited them from your father.
A Kickstarter to hire Morgan Freeman to read that that crazy sorority girl's email.
"Please stop tweeting insulting stuff about me," whined my son like some little bitch.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Maybe at one of the 5 colleges you attended? RT @sarahpalinusa
Dear media, *sigh*... where did you guys go to journalism school?
"Drink, it loser, DRINK IT! What's wrong dork, you afraid of apples? HAHAHA!!" - Cider-Bullying
This weekend as a family we all decided to unplug. (RIP Nana Zuker 1930-2013)
Thanks for the nice words but that previous tweet was a joke. I was going for how we need to unplug from the internet and... forget it.
Girl you must be the Higgs Boson because you givin' me mass. Wait, come back.
"You're safe here. It's Alcoholics ANONYMOUS," said Dr. Drew to a sick, vulnerable person for the entertainment of millions of viewers.
Writer/Exec Producer on ABC's Modern Family.
