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"The costumes at this Halloween party are so scary!" Person who is afraid of tits.
Daughter: "I wish you were a better listener."
Me: "I wish you were more interesting."
Daughter: "Don't tweet that."
Me: "I won't."
The deck is really stacked against children who grow up in war zones or on the Disney Channel.
"To communicate aggression the rival gangs will snap their fingers at each other in a menacing manner." Discovery's Jets and Shark Week
Lately my wife has been doing this annoying thing where she's not the brunette in the "Blurred Lines" video.
Before you h8 on Justin Bieber just remember he isn't doing anything The Rolling Stones or The Clash haven't done. Except make actual music.
Scientists are baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies and play video games and not shoot each other.
I'm a stay at hotel dad.
Here's the bet: Take whatever money you were planning on dangling in front of me & then donate it to Oklahoma relief and then that's it.
Nice how I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by the Asian girl I always see at Starbucks.
"Global warming is bullshit," said my neighbor who believes a man built a boat & rescued every animal on earth from a flood.
URGENT question for Amanda Bynes: I just forgot to pick my daughter up from school. Did your dad ever do that to you??
A Kickstarter to hire Morgan Freeman to read that that crazy sorority girl's email.
Writer/Exec Producer on ABC's Modern Family. So many flops.