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Nice how I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by the Asian girl I always see at Starbucks.
"Global warming is bullshit," said my neighbor who believes a man built a boat & rescued every animal on earth from a flood.
URGENT question for Amanda Bynes: I just forgot to pick my daughter up from school. Did your dad ever do that to you??
A Kickstarter to hire Morgan Freeman to read that that crazy sorority girl's email.
I'm not my type.
I have to confess, I have a little man crush on this dude I'm fucking. .
"Please stop tweeting insulting stuff about me," whined my son like some little bitch.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
"Drink, it loser, DRINK IT! What's wrong dork, you afraid of apples? HAHAHA!!" - Cider-Bullying
This weekend as a family we all decided to unplug. (RIP Nana Zuker 1930-2013)
Thanks for the nice words but that previous tweet was a joke. I was going for how we need to unplug from the internet and... forget it.
Girl you must be the Higgs Boson because you givin' me mass. Wait, come back.
I would like to apologize for my entire timeline and all future tweets.
"Danny Zuker is a GREAT listener." - Large Breasted Women
"You're safe here. It's Alcoholics ANONYMOUS," said Dr. Drew to a sick, vulnerable person for the entertainment of millions of viewers.
Writer/Exec Producer on ABC's Modern Family.