Not sure why they do it, but I like that ppl are writing names on the food in the company fridge. Today I had a turkey sandwich named Andrew

That awkward moment when someone says "stop", and you don't know whether to respond with "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people

If you ever get the urge to Google Gary Oldman, do not forget the 'r' trust me on this

Boy: I like you
Girl: ..
Boy: Ok, I love you
Girl: ..
*boy kisses girl*
*boy eats girl*
Girl was Doritos

Directed by M Night Shyamalan

Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they're placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset with you.

Insanity does not run in my family. It wanders through slowly and takes the time to get to know everyone personally.

Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop, it's just one after a mother.

Nothing will ever make me feel more disappointed than the time I found out <3 is a heart and not a nutsack wearing a party hat

What I hate most about Twitter is: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

I really hate it when I rhetorically ask if my day could possibly get any worse, and the universe responds with, "Challenge Accepted."

The first 40 years of childhood are definitely the hardest...

I wonder if tap dancers ever walk into a room, see a nice floor and think, "I'd so tap that."

The first rule of religion should be the same as the first rule of fight club.

I was actually watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show when he died. I know what I must do now: Jersey Shore marathon.

My boss told me not to drop f-bombs during meetings. What the fuck is an f-bomb? Cuz I'm pretty sure I didn't even fart once.

I've heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of unicorns.

Considering that Iron Man and Batman's only real superpower is being super rich and smart, Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment

If people labeled themselves doctors as quickly as people label themselves writers, we'd all be dead.