If you change the channel during the hockey or football game, I will execute the "Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique" from Kill Bill.

To me you're like a delicate flower, so hurry up and fucking die already.

Take three college girls.
Add 4 parts well vodka, 1 part bud light.
Shake with "I hate you", strain with tears.
-cocktails for undergrads

Trust me ladies, we all know your eyes are up there.

"Fuck this?!" - Steve Buscemi's dentist

Let's call Asians, Ninja-Americans from now on.

My friend just poured a $4 bottle of Evian over ice he made out of tap water. Fuck everything.

My dream of getting my morphine drip installed may or may not come true, but trust me I'm making Fetch happen before this all ends.

When the time comes, I hope my nephew gets into a decent college girl...

I don't need to stock up for the apocalypse. I'm pretty sure I can beat the shit out of my neighbors who are stocking up

I was trying to make a sandwich. But Im all out of vodka.

Knowing how easy it is to not be a douche makes me hate douches that much more.

I'll admit that I count on my fingers. I use my toes & my dick too. 

How you ladies are able to know when you have blackjack is beyond me.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

It's a shame that whoever invented Yoga pants hasn't receive a Nobel Prize yet. I don't know if I want to live in a society like that.

I'm making a Robot out of two coconuts, pipe cleaners and my cat. World domination seems believable now.

My current level of anxiety is equal to waiting for that long piece in Tetris.

2 kids in other states with aunts, oldest going off to college. Only one left here.

This may be the closest I'll ever get to heaven, guys

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Most of my Tweets are better with a splash of ice and a Bottle of Vodka