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Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
"I call shotgun!" -Kurt Cobain
I have a soft spot for hard-ons.
I have lips just like Angelina Jolie, the only difference is that hers are on her face & mine are in my pants.
Girls who do the kissy face in every photo, you realize that your lips look exactly like a cat's anus, right?
I bet Edward Scissorhands really hates Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.
You're not eye candy, you're more like eye vegetables.
McDonalds is teaming up with Stevie Nicks to create a new hamburger called the 'Fleetwood Big Mac'....
Probably not true,
people who fail math,
really know how to multiply.
Owls, you can stop asking, it was me.
It's nice knowing my blind date can't undress me with his eyes.
Regardless of what Journey says,
you should definitely stop believing.
Guys, a serious warning about boobs: The bigger they are, the harder they will fall.
If you're a 45 year old woman who insists on breast-feeding your newborn? Just know that your milk has definitely expired.
"I am a rake victim." -Leaf
It's not like you don't turn me on, it's just that my vagina has a dry sense of humor.
Making babies is too simple. If creating a person was more like calculus & less like recess? I'm willing to bet most of us wouldn't be here.
The fastest way to burn body fat?
Set yourself on fire.
I went into a body shop today & supposedly they only repair cars, not cellulite & muffin tops.
Lightsaber/guitar wielding Frank Sinatra loving contortionist who enjoys a good glass of pickle-juice every now & then. Wannabe comedienne. INSTAGRAM-DaringDare