Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.

"I call shotgun!" -Kurt Cobain

I have a soft spot for hard-ons.

I have lips just like Angelina Jolie, the only difference is that hers are on her face & mine are in my pants.

Girls who do the kissy face in every photo, you realize that your lips look exactly like a cat's anus, right?

You're not eye candy, you're more like eye vegetables.

I bet Edward Scissorhands really hates Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

Regardless of what Journey says,
you should definitely stop believing.

It's nice knowing my blind date can't undress me with his eyes.

If you're a 45 year old woman who insists on breast-feeding your newborn? Just know that your milk has definitely expired.

Guys, a serious warning about boobs: The bigger they are, the harder they will fall.

Owls, you can stop asking, it was me.

It's not like you don't turn me on, it's just that my vagina has a dry sense of humor.

The fastest way to burn body fat?
Set yourself on fire.

I went into a body shop today & supposedly they only repair cars, not cellulite & muffin tops.

"I am a rake victim." -Leaf

If Mario ever runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a dark alleyway, he is so screwed.

Making babies is too simple. If creating a person was more like calculus & less like recess? I'm willing to bet most of us wouldn't be here.

Guys, if we meet at a bar & I'm nice enough to give you my number, please don't let the first text you send me be a picture of your dick.