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Just made cookies! Oops this isn't Facebook. I meant to say, I think I just got a sock pregnant.
I trust kids in hoodies more than I trust men in suits!
My 3yr old girl is running around the house singing: sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't, Almond Joys got nuts "MOM'S"don't.
I'm coming out to my parents tonight. I'm not Gay, but they're Homophobic Assholes so they deserve it anyway.
It's just called MARRIAGE not Gay Marriage, Straight Marriage or Catholic Marriage. No one owns it. Everyone who wants it should have it.
When are we gonna change the handicap parking symbol from a person in a wheelchair to just a obese person?
I can put on a meat dress & tweet "follow your dreams". But I won't get 8000 RT's like LadyGaga. I've tried.
MAN! That dude will do anything to make KONY famous
If my tweets got out on Facebook, I'd lose all my friends, my family would disown me, and I'd lose my job. Almost seems worth it.
If guys had menstrual periods, every public bathroom wood have at least 5 used tampons stuck to the ceiling.
If you're heading to Vegas any time soon, beware of the toilets! My wife just got back and caught Herpes from one.
Did you know there's a whole ward in the hospital, for women that have babies stuck in their vaginas.
The average penis is 6". For every inch a guy has his truck lifted, subtract an inch.
If I win the $500,000 MegaMillions, I'm gonna fill my gas tank all the way.
The only way Gay Marraige will effect your Straight Marraige, is if someone in your Straight Marraige is Gay.
Hey "Teen Porn" producers, putting pigtails on a girl with C section scar & a Mötley Crüe tattoo, isn't fooling anyone.
If you object to gay marriage because you think their sex is gross then you must really object to fat & old people getting married.
Now Santorum wants to take away our porn! He will have to pry it from my cold dead hands. Although that may be easy with all the lube
There's a gay guy that's had a crush on me for a long time. I'm going to have sex with him as an April Fools joke.
I keyed a handicap persons car for parking in one of our spots.