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You do anal for $ and just got a DUI @jennajameson Obama signed a stimulus bill that took 750 billion out of Medicare... We need a new plan!
@realdonaldtrump Bush was the arsonist and you blame the guy putting out the fire. If you loved this country, you'd have a tracheotomy.
Huge congrats to every single religion for tying for World's Dumbest Religion!!!
Why does my car radio have an "A.M./P.M." setting? If you don't know whether it's day or night, maybe you shouldn't be driving a car.
May return to stand-up because I need a place to try out my jokes for Twitter.
"Put it in your mouth and lick it until it gets soft, then bite it." ~my wife telling my daughter how to eat hard candy.
Quit fucking around and give me a #FF so I can hit 200k followers and send myself balloons. #Cuntz
I recently got in touch with my feminine side and she is a total bitch.
LOOKIT I DID ANOTHER @hellogiggles "Dance Like Nobody's Watching" Video. http://t.co/f0sYCx72 MALL MALL MALL MALL MALL MALL MALL MALL MALL
I love looking at myself in the fun house mirrors, especially the one that makes my dick look huge.
Easter morning kids wake-up and run around frantically trying to be the first one to find an egg. So basically they act like sperm.
Halloween is this Sunday! No? Oops, my mistake, I confused it with another holiday that involves a bullshit story about the walking dead.
Here's me and my dad. He was a badass dude, let's @abolishcancer now. http://t.co/oP3HklMV
