My sitcom would last one episode because I'd blow my brains out the first time a neighbor popped over.

@peteholmez Is there a place that can help me stop talkng like a three-year-old around here? Asking for a fwend.

"At our church, we had remarkable diversity, from all walks of life." (All kinds of people, from white to very white.) #RNC

"Put me in coach?" -- an indignant John Fogerty on the phone with Delta

Every arrangement's an Edible Arrangement to my dog.

Where do I go after I've failed at the drawing board?

Whom up?

Half of success in life is just not getting a neck tattoo.

Now that #Harvard has won an #NCAA Tounament game, hopefully they'll finally start to get some donations.

I don't put my seatbelt on because I want to. I do it to stop the annoying noise. Kind of like why I buy my wife jewelry.

"Who are you wearing, Barbra?" "This? This is from the Helen Roper collection." #Oscars

It's amazing how Linkin Park pulled off being the absolute worst in two genres of music.

My uncle passed out drunk next to me on the train that goes through the zoo. Probably the closest I'll ever come to touching a hobo.

For as much as I love my iPad, I've yet to compose a single Tweet without javing to go back and make 20 corrections.

Blitzer? Damn near KILLED her! RT @lindzeta: Teen-Wolf Blitzer

Store has a sign by the swimsuits that says you have to wear underwear when trying them on. Luckily, there's no such sign by the underwear.

Just now realized In Never Say Goodbye, when Bon Jovi said "you lost more than that in my back seat," he meant her purse, not her homework.

.@homage A Cleveland Force t-shirt would be your fastest seller ever if you came out with one. Do it, please.

To honor of the passing of Roger Ebert, AMC theatres are selling small popcorns for just $12 this weekend.

Catholics hate when people don't carry to full term, yet they revere JFK.