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My sitcom would last one episode because I'd blow my brains out the first time a neighbor popped over.
"At our church, we had remarkable diversity, from all walks of life." (All kinds of people, from white to very white.) #RNC
"Put me in coach?" -- an indignant John Fogerty on the phone with Delta
Every arrangement's an Edible Arrangement to my dog.
Where do I go after I've failed at the drawing board?
Half of success in life is just not getting a neck tattoo.
I don't put my seatbelt on because I want to. I do it to stop the annoying noise. Kind of like why I buy my wife jewelry.
It's amazing how Linkin Park pulled off being the absolute worst in two genres of music.
My uncle passed out drunk next to me on the train that goes through the zoo. Probably the closest I'll ever come to touching a hobo.
For as much as I love my iPad, I've yet to compose a single Tweet without javing to go back and make 20 corrections.
Store has a sign by the swimsuits that says you have to wear underwear when trying them on. Luckily, there's no such sign by the underwear.
Just now realized In Never Say Goodbye, when Bon Jovi said "you lost more than that in my back seat," he meant her purse, not her homework.
To honor of the passing of Roger Ebert, AMC theatres are selling small popcorns for just $12 this weekend.
Catholics hate when people don't carry to full term, yet they revere JFK.
Stand-up comedian. Joke writer. Copywriter. Proud Ohioan.