The area where Barbie's genitalia should be is known as a spatch. It's not really a space, yet not really a patch.

You're welcome.

I've decided that today is the day I stop being passive-aggressive and start being aggressive-aggressive.

As I lay there next to her, watching her gently drift off to slumber I remember thinking "I'm gonna fucking puke if she farts in her sleep."

Attention followers:

If I do/don't gain 100 followers today, I will/won't be posting a picture of my balls.

You've been warned/tempted.

In retrospect, "Your wife's lipstick" was the wrong answer when my boss asked me what I had on underneath my kilt on casual Friday.

Just to clarify: whenever the term dickbag is used I get a mental image of a pillowcase full of rubber dicks.

Knowing is half the battle.

Thanks to all the new followers and those who have found me again. It's great to be back from the Twitness Protection Program.


Testicles.

I'm embarrassed.


But then again, it doesn't say anything in the dress code about not wearing a loin cloth to work.

My boss just "delegated" a project to me and I was like "Dude, I have a whole bunch of work of my own that I don't plan on doing. Numbnuts."

I used to think Plastic Man was stupid. Then I joined Twitter and realized just how many women love having a giant rubber dick inside them.

Hey buddy: stand outside this handicap stall as long as you like but I'm gonna be here for a while. Gotta catch up on my TL.

Who knew that I would actually someday achieve my dream? Drinking beer and eating frosted cherry Pop-Tarts by myself on a Saturday night.

"YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!"


-Me, to my (soon-to-be-ex) employer.

Dear stupid bitch that I caught sampling the different flavors of toothpaste in the oral hygiene aisle: I hereby banish you from society.

After my wife goes shopping she always has to have a "fashion show" to show me what she got.

Unfortunately, she has always been the model.

It's weird that I made it all the way to work before I realized I forgot to wear pants.

What's weirder is that I had shoes and socks on.

As I am compiling my memoirs, I realize I don't know if some of the everyday phrases I use are hyphenated or not.


Example: cock-goblin.

What, that? It's dickrice. It's my specialty. It's just plain ol' white rice but I used my dick to stir it before I served it to you. Enjoy.

My wife just called to tell me she had gone home & forgot to pick up our kid from daycare. That's really a testament to my choice in women.

Just because I'm a grown man doesn't mean I can't giggle just a bit after I call someone a dick pimple.