Old people have the cutest facial expressions when you scream "cock jam" at them.

She shouldn't even be able to make you a sandwich after sex. If she is, you're doing her wrong.

If you're going to use religion as an excuse to hate gay people, then I'm going to use you as an excuse to fuck your mom in the asshole.

My mom got super upset when I told her "no" just now.

BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THESE ARE MY FUCKING COOKIES.

God probably has really pretty handwriting.

I can and will listen to punk music while shaving a mohawk into my pubes.

My cat has been staring at me for 16 days.

Even though I haven't received any stars on thus account, I'll still put my favstar url on my bio.

FUCK YEAH ATTENTION.

Alfred saw one of Batman's toys that he DOESN'T carry around with him.

He really wishes he knocked before entering The Batcave.

My phone will have terrific battery life if I ever decide to delete my Twitter account.

What if Death just tricked America into fighting Iraq because he was behind on commission?

The truth is: I don't care where they've been. I'm going to eat these fucking peanuts M&M's.

It's called a grudge and I am holding one like a new born.

Pretending a ruler is a switchblade leads to your Mexican friend needing stitches. :(

Called someone a republi"cunt" today because I'm a nice little democrat.

I spend a lot of time telling Harry Potter books to go fuck themselves.

76% sure George Lucas made his movies because he doesn't want me to get laid often.

Hey mom,
Stop walking into the room JUST as I put my hands down my pants.

I can basically do anything I want because of the fact that I'm circumcised.

Forced to use Internet Explorer like a homeless veteran.