Do you think the Star Wars and Star Trek fans could put their differences aside and join together to kick the shit outta some twilight fans?

Do you girls really love bacon that much or is it because men love bacon and you use it as bait in your diabolical wedding plots?

How about an ice cream truck for adults with frozen Margaritas and daiquiris?

It just dawned on me twitter is like a strip club. Everyone has a fake name, craves attention and half the time are full of despair.

Have you thanked a Veteran today? There isn't a Holiday required and It's easy to do. Just say: "Thank you for your service."

Avoiding a coffee shit is like avoiding a grizzly bear attack. Remain perfectly still and your fine, but move around and you are so Fucked.

Just farted the entire guitar solo of "Freebird"

Do you prefer your stars daily so it feels stalkerish, or once a week all at once so it feels more creeperish ?

I don't mind when the wife hums during sex I just wish she would pick something other than "the itsy bitsy spider" !

You think Dracula and his pals sit around the retirement home watching these emo vampires and say to each other what a bunch of pussies.

Sometimes silence is bliss, other times it's the most lonely sound ever.

Amateur boys will motorboat her titties, Real Men will motorboat her ass cheeks

What is the measurement of "as fuck" when used in hungry as, horny as, or sleepy as, how does it vary from a fuck load or a shit ton?

I should be nominated for an academy award for my portrayal of shock upon the discovery of the cat vomit that I knew about for 8 hours.

I will not make the same mistake again until next time.

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Ever have that moment where you ask yourself "was the phone hung up all the way before I called that customer Uncle Dick Lips"

I tried phone sex once when it was popular. I admit choking my nuts with the cord was nice, but smacking the head with that receiver hurt.

You know what we call bath and body works at our house? Its called what the fuck do you mean you spent 30$ on body wash are you insane.

Farting with your legs crossed while sitting in a steel folding chair is tantamount to farting in a megaphone.