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Only 31 more days until everyone can't believe it's September
Women say: 'time of the month'.... Men hear: 'blowjob'
Weekends: turning paychecks into hangovers one regret at a time.
My favorite hobbies are running and working out and lying.
I wish I had the confidence of a horrible DJ.
My sleep number is 100mg
How to make a guy fall for you:
1. Trip him
Enemies with benefits probably have rougher sex.
Mondays are like my ex-boyfriend, they always come before you know it.
Tom Brady, you ok girl?
Legs give the best hugs
current mood: horngry
blowjobs are perfect gag gifts!
just made a dozen new friends at the donut store
ADVICE: single is better than bullshit
my food pyramid is just one giant pizza slice
The Snow Angel: for when you're in bed trying to find the remote.
relationship status: just choked on a hotdog
Italians with no hands probably can't talk.
I like watching game shows with my boyfriend because he never tells me the answers because he doesn't exist