Only 31 more days until everyone can't believe it's September

Women say: 'time of the month'.... Men hear: 'blowjob'

Weekends: turning paychecks into hangovers one regret at a time.

My favorite hobbies are running and working out and lying.

I wish I had the confidence of a horrible DJ.

My sleep number is 100mg

How to make a guy fall for you:

1. Trip him

Enemies with benefits probably have rougher sex.

Mondays are like my ex-boyfriend, they always come before you know it.

Tom Brady, you ok girl?

Legs give the best hugs

current mood: horngry

blowjobs are perfect gag gifts!

just made a dozen new friends at the donut store

ADVICE: single is better than bullshit

my food pyramid is just one giant pizza slice

The Snow Angel: for when you're in bed trying to find the remote.

relationship status: just choked on a hotdog

Italians with no hands probably can't talk.

I like watching game shows with my boyfriend because he never tells me the answers because he doesn't exist