Imagine 200 strangers barged in your house and started cracking jokes.. that's about how I feel when you change your avi's

I keep my username & password in my wallet, so when I die my family can read all of this shit, and realize I was dead already.

If your not losing followers your not tweeting properly.

I put 75 cents in one of those weighing machines. A card came out. It said, "You are intelligent and trustworthy"-got my weight wrong too.

I often get drunk on water, as well as on land.

I wonder if snakes try to scare other snakes with rubber humans.

I dont care if your tweet has 6 favs or 106 favs! If that shit is funny to the point where I'm choking on my drink, you've earned my trophy

Opening medicine cabinets at a friends houses since 1975.

Out on a first date, when she goes to the "Ladies-room" I automatically think..

..why is she so damn selfish with the coke.

Watching the history Channel my niece asked; "Whats an Eskimo?" I told her its one of Gods frozen children.

If you ever argue with a taxi driver dont get out & SLAM the door... Next time leave that shit OPEN!

The best way to get your kid to stop pissing the bed has got to be an electric blanket... no?

I think people get dressed to go to Walmart like, "What happens in Walmart stays in Walmart."

Are you gonna’ eat that chip on your shoulder?

*star, star, rt, star, star, star, follow, reply, rt, star..*

Newcomers: Here’s your homework BEFORE EVERY tweet.

FB status: "Piece of shit car broke down again - back on the bus!"

Twitter: "At the Car Dealership about to buy 2012 Cadilac XTS"

Two ears for sale, rarely used.

Ever see kids that are so bad you wanna STOP having sex?

Guess what! If you add 2 sleeping pills to your coffee, the coffee won't keep you awake.

I was wearing a condom, but I still caught feelings for her.