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Imagine 200 strangers barged in your house and started cracking jokes.. that's about how I feel when you change your avi's
I keep my username & password in my wallet, so when I die my family can read all of this shit, and realize I was dead already.
If your not losing followers your not tweeting properly.
I put 75 cents in one of those weighing machines. A card came out. It said, "You are intelligent and trustworthy"-got my weight wrong too.
I wonder if snakes try to scare other snakes with rubber humans.
I often get drunk on water, as well as on land.
I dont care if your tweet has 6 favs or 106 favs! If that shit is funny to the point where I'm choking on my drink, you've earned my trophy
Opening medicine cabinets at a friends houses since 1975.
Out on a first date, when she goes to the "Ladies-room" I automatically think..
..why is she so damn selfish with the coke.
Watching the history Channel my niece asked; "Whats an Eskimo?" I told her its one of Gods frozen children.
If you ever argue with a taxi driver dont get out & SLAM the door... Next time leave that shit OPEN!
The best way to get your kid to stop pissing the bed has got to be an electric blanket... no?
I think people get dressed to go to Walmart like, "What happens in Walmart stays in Walmart."
Are you gonna’ eat that chip on your shoulder?
*star, star, rt, star, star, star, follow, reply, rt, star..*
Newcomers: Here’s your homework BEFORE EVERY tweet.
Two ears for sale, rarely used.
FB status: "Piece of shit car broke down again - back on the bus!"
Twitter: "At the Car Dealership about to buy 2012 Cadilac XTS"
Ever see kids that are so bad you wanna STOP having sex?
I was wearing a condom, but I still caught feelings for her.
Guess what! If you add 2 sleeping pills to your coffee, the coffee won't keep you awake.
I got a PHD in braille & I have no legs. I'm deaf in both ears and also a mute, with a severe case of Tourette's. I'm a compulsive liar and pleased to meet you!