People I don't want to get a thick envelope in the mail from
1. The IRS
2. My son's school
3. My gynecologist

Things I learned on Twitter
1. Guys masturbate into socks
2. There is always someone crazier than you
3. People put bleach in odd places

Tip: Don't eat sushi from a gas station

It would be much easier to stalk you if you told me where you lived

If wearing a tiara to the gym is wrong, I don't wanna be right

"I don't have sex with just anyone"
- Liars

There's a special place in hell for guys that stand up single moms when they've gotten a baby sitter

Either I just met an amazing guy or I'm drunk

Before you try to impress her with your "short bus" jokes, make sure her son doesn't ride one to school. #notfunny

"I hate all of my clothes"
- all women everywhere

I have a date next week with a hot guy that owns a few bars.

Good lord I hope I don't fuck this one up.

Didn't we just do this whole work thingy last week?

If you use the word "blossom" you're probably not the guy for me

Is there a non-creepy way to DM someone and ask them to marry you?
Asking for a friend...

If my date sucks today, at least my boobs look pretty

"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME???????"
- me to my cat

I love when the hot guy at the gym runs on the treadmill in front of me.

I pretend I'm chasing him.

It's time to quit online dating when you're "match of the day" they've selected for you is your little brother. True story.

If hating you is wrong, I don't wanna be right

I want a man that will bounce me on his knee and let me call him "Big Daddy"