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People I don't want to get a thick envelope in the mail from
1. The IRS
2. My son's school
3. My gynecologist
Things I learned on Twitter
1. Guys masturbate into socks
2. There is always someone crazier than you
3. People put bleach in odd places
Tip: Don't eat sushi from a gas station
It would be much easier to stalk you if you told me where you lived
If wearing a tiara to the gym is wrong, I don't wanna be right
"I don't have sex with just anyone"
There's a special place in hell for guys that stand up single moms when they've gotten a baby sitter
Either I just met an amazing guy or I'm drunk
Before you try to impress her with your "short bus" jokes, make sure her son doesn't ride one to school. #notfunny
"I hate all of my clothes"
- all women everywhere
I have a date next week with a hot guy that owns a few bars.
Good lord I hope I don't fuck this one up.
Didn't we just do this whole work thingy last week?
If you use the word "blossom" you're probably not the guy for me
Is there a non-creepy way to DM someone and ask them to marry you?
Asking for a friend...
If my date sucks today, at least my boobs look pretty
"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME???????"
- me to my cat
I love when the hot guy at the gym runs on the treadmill in front of me.
I pretend I'm chasing him.
It's time to quit online dating when you're "match of the day" they've selected for you is your little brother. True story.
If hating you is wrong, I don't wanna be right
I want a man that will bounce me on his knee and let me call him "Big Daddy"
On an indefinite break from the dating game. If you can't meet Mr. Right, why not settle for Mr. Right Now? http://favstar.fm/users/Dating_wo_a_Net