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It cannot be a coincidence that Snooki loses all that weight and then Hostess files for bankruptcy.
Ordered flowers for my GF, but screwed up and gave MY address, and it wasn't flowers after all, but a pizza. Which I ate.
DC Metro riders, don't think of them as escalators that are usually broken--think of them as stairs that occasionally move.
I love how every circle of friends has one d-bag they make fun of in private. It's funny how my circle doesn't have one, though.
Hey, #OccupyDC, I've seen longer lines of people outside Georgetown Cupcake.
Looking fwd to reading the new #bush book the same way I'm curious to see paintings done by an elephant.
Four urinals, dude. / Why choose the one next to me? / I need a buffer. #haiku
Hank is in SERIOUS danger of losing that free chicken offer from Gus. #BreakingBad
"Say, if your Interior Dept is remaining open, I'd like to buy you a drink." #shutdownpickuplines
Using a picture of your cleavage as your Twitter avatar is stupid, juvenile, totally overdone and much appreciated.
I love Maryland's policy of identifying crappy drivers with special license plates that say "Maryland."
The warning on a pack of cigarettes could read, "DANGER: There is Anthrax and an Angry Snake Inside" and smokers wouldn't care.
Cali, we get it. U have bigger quakes. It was just unusual in DC. It'd be like if you all suddenly saw a bunch of jobs. #DCQuake
Having #BreakingBad as the lead-in to Small Town Security is like having the Rolling Stones open for Ashley Simpson.
Finding out that #REM broke up is like hearing that a very old celebrity, whom you'd already assumed kicked the bucket, kicked the bucket.
Let's face it, the biggest winner at last night's #Oscars was Ricky Gervais.
I just hope now that #egypt will institute a cash-for-rocks program and get all those weapons off the streets.
DC writer, comic and marketing director. I tweet inappropriately about current events. One or two of these will make you want to unfollow me. I forbid this.